Grant Lillian Virginia: My Earliest Memories

Grant

• The umbilical cord is suppose to have three tubes in it; two to deliver nutrients and one to take out the waste.  The doctors could only find two tubes for Grant and they believed that he would die within hours after he was born.  Only after doing another scan could the doctor find the third tube and I remember that I broke down and cried at work when I got the news.  The thought of two tubes and my child dying right after being born had been weighing heavily on me for weeks and I cried out of relief.
• Grant was so sick after he was born.  He had to get allergy shots twice a week and had to have ear drops to help stop the honey-like goo that was constantly leaking from his ears.  Also, we had a saline solution for his congestion that we had to give him through a nebulizer. It was sad to see his two little eyes beaming above the face mask that we had to use to get him to breathe in the saline.
• When Grant was a baby he just a helpless.  He was constantly sick; for the first year of his life he was at the doctor’s office at least once a week.  It was very frustrating.
• My happiest memories of Grant was when he attended Twinbrook Preschool.  When I arrived at the building to take him home, Grant would take my hand and guide me to his cubby so that he could show me all of the artwork that he had created that day.  Before we left to go home, his teacher would stop me to tell me about all of the cute things that he had done.  For example, he had a special towel that he used for a cape and he would put it on as soon as he got to preschool.  Just by putting on that cape he was no longer Grant Frazier but became “The Weatherman.”  I still don’t know why he picked that name.  There was another time at Twinbrook when he pretended to marry Colleen and the two walked around, arm in arm, all day.
• Grant really liked bath time because he loved to be naked.   I toweled him off, dressed and fed him, and then allowed him to fall asleep on my stomach. Gently, I picked him up and put him into his crib.  It was wonderful.
• I loved to get down on the floor to play with him just to hear him laugh and watch him crawl.  Then, when his teeth came in, he would “drool like a madman.”  It was so cute.  
• Grant’s first sentence was “my shoes, on the book, over there.” 
• I had to learn not to cuss in front of Grant because one time, when he caught his sister doing something wrong, he scolded her by saying, “Ta Bammit LeeLee!”
• When he moved from words to ideas, he learned that he lived in “Bentucky,” that he was handsome and not pretty, and he learned about death when “the big fish” died in our aquarium.   
• Grandma and Grandpa played “Duck, Duck, Goose” with Grant.  When he was done giving the rules of how the game was played, Grant said, “OK Gampa.  You be the ducker!”
• Sometimes I would spot a bird in the back yard and dramatically put my hand to my ear and say, “Hey, Grant!  What did that bird just say?”  Grant had heard this question several times before and stated that “birds don’t talk.”  I would respond with “but they have mouths” and he would say “but they can’t talk.”  He was just so cute doing this routine so I egged him on.  Only years later did he say to me that he didn’t understand why I wasn’t getting it.
• I looked out the window one morning and saw that a raccoon was digging through our garbage.  I went out to chase it away and Grant asked me what it was and I replied that “a big sumbitch raccoon” had escaped to the creek.  This really caught his imagination and every time we went past the garbage or near the creel would ask “is the big sumbitch raccoon back?” 
• Grant used to hug me and kiss me, especially on my upper arm, when he became nervous, like when he was getting a shot or having a splinter removed.

 Lillian
• Right before Aunt Lillian Bray died, we promised her that we would name our first girl after her.  Lillian’s middle name is “Lee” after her great grandmother Maude Lee.  
• We were told that there was a one in seven chance that Lillian would be born with Down’s Syndrome because scans showed that there was a gap between her skull and her brain at the back of her head.  I told my father that “we will accept this child into our lives no matter what complications there are” and we didn’t find out until after she was born that Lillian did not have Down’s Syndrome.  
• Lillian came out so fast that the doctor had to jog to make it to the delivery room to catch her.  There was no time to put Tracey into stirrups or to move her down so that a bucket could be put under her to collect the placenta and embryonic sack.  Instead, they just put down a sheet of plastic on her bed.  Lillian was beautiful when she came out but blood spewed out as well, almost as if it came from a spigot.  She came so fast that Tracey’s water didn’t break and the nurse had to puncture the bag after Lillian was born.  
• My favorite moment of the day was to pick up Lillian from day care.  She was usually at the big picture window with all of the other toddlers, waiting for their parents to get them.  When she saw me, Lillian screamed in excitement and ran to the door.  I carried her in my arms while she grabbed ahold of me tightly, and then she turn away to say goodbye to the staff. 
• I loved to hear Lillian laugh when she was in the swing in our back yard, or when I would throw her up in the air and she flew like a gymnast.  She couldn’t say the words “do that again” so instead she just said “Gen.” When Lillian agrees with something that I said she would nod her head dramatically, to the point where her chin would touch her chest, and she would say “yeah!”  Her first words were “yes” and “no” and “Kan Queue” (Thank You). 
• When I asked her for a kiss, Lillian would race across the room making kissing noises, and wouldn’t stop until her lips touched my cheek.  We used to rub our foreheads together and she liked it so much that she laughed madly at this simple act of affection.  
• Lillian would sometimes ask the same question over and over again.  “Daddy, you know what?”  When I finally gave in and said “what?”  she responded with, “it’s not raining anymore!”  It had been a few days since it had rained but Lillian just liked saying that sentence because it was one the the first thoughts that she put into words..
• Lillian asked Tracey what was holding up the papers on the refrigerator.  “Those are magnets,” Tracey replied.  “Oh,” said Lillian, “they are your nuts.”
• When the waitress put a full pot of scalding hot coffee in front of Lillian, she grabbed it and pulled the pot down on herself.  I drove her to the hospital where the doctors rinsed her first and second degree burns with saline solution.  We took good care of her wound so that there aren’t any scars and, while Lillian doesn’t remember the incident, I will never forget her screaming in pain after being doused with scalding hot coffee.
• Starting at about the age of three, Lillian refused to wear anything but a dress, which was really cute except when the weather turned cold and her legs were bare.  She wouldn’t wear leggings because they were “itchy.”  Lillian loved to spin around so that the dress would fly up and she insisted on wearing her “clip clop” shoes and a ribbon in her hair.  It was clear from a very early age that Lillian was beautiful and the dresses just made her more appealing.
• I would wake Lillian up before preschool and she would wrap her arms and legs around me while sleep left her.  She would lay her head down on my shoulder and would not lift it until I was ready for her to move.  I loved it and always looked forward to this part of the morning routine.
• Lillian came home from Holy Trinity beaming because she was made the line leader when they were changing classes.  Mr. Collard said, “My best little girl is up front.”  As a teacher, you are not supposed to have favorites, but clearly Lillian was a special girl.     
• When a store was giving away free candy I kidded Lillian by telling her not to take any because they were saving it for the good kids.  Lillian pointed to herself and said, “Hello!  Good Kid!”
• When a loose thread appeared on Lillian’s sweater she said that her garment was becoming “unsewed.”    
• When I groaned, having gone up the stairs for about twenty times in one day, Lillian innocently said that I “better not have any more birthdays.”
• A huge limousine passed us in traffic one day and when Lillian saw it she said, “They must have a lot of children.”  Why else would you have such a big car. 
• When a boy at Twinbrook kept throwing dirt clods at Lillian, she complained to me.  “What do you want me to do?  Beat him up?”  She replied with “No!  Shoot him with your gun.”  To this day I don’t know if she was kidding.  
• I used to steal Lillian’s favorite stuffed animal from her bed and laying it on top of mine, saying “he prefers to stay with me.”  This irritated her to no end and she dramatically grabbed the stuffed animal to take back to her room.

 Virginia
• My initial reaction upon learning that we were having a third child was one of pure joy.  Our doctors had told us that, for many physical reasons, we could not have another child without help from modern science so we didn’t use birth control.  That is why Virginia was our “miracle baby.”
• Virginia’s birth was traumatic because she was so big that she came out slowly, and even then with only a lot of pushing by Tracey.  The nurses whisked her away because when the baby is that big then there is a risk of jaundice, diabetes, and a broken collar bone. Fortunately, none of these things happened to Virginia.  Tracey earned bragging rights because she delivered an eleven and a half pound baby vaginally and without an epidural.
• She still has a scar where she accidentally bit her lip.  We took her to the doctor and he had to snip the piece of lip that was hanging off and Virginia allowed me to hold onto her while she cried during this minor operation.
• Virginia was easy to raise because she was so good natured.  She talked all of the time so there wasn’t any frustration with her trying to tell us something and she only cried when she wanted something essential, like a drink or a nap (my go sleep).
• Starting when she was just two years old, Tracey wrapped Virginia up in a big towel after her bath and called her a “Virginia Burrito.”   What made it really cute was when Virginia tried to say “Virginia Burrito” but never could pronounce it correctly.
• One time, Grant asked me what time it was.  I responded with, “I don’t know.  What does the clock say?”  Virginia chimed in with, “it says ‘tick tock, tick tock.’”
• I used to take the kids to Cave Hill Cemetery to walk around the lake and to feed the ducks.  One time, Virginia became frustrated when the ducks kept flying away as she approached them.  Virginia cried out “the ducks won’t let me pat them on the head!”  It was so cute.
• When she was six years old she read her first sentence. It was like a light went on and she started to cry because she was so happy and proud of herself. It was a beautiful moment.  Much later on, she would read novels to her mother at the end of the day and the two bonded over these books.
• I started each day by singing “Oh How I Hate to Get Up in the Morning” when I turned on their lights.  Virginia never wanted to get out of bed and grabbed the mattress when I tried to pull her off.  I solved this problem by starting a wrestling match with the other two and only then would Virginia race out of her room because she didn’t want to miss out on the fun.  
• When I asked her if she wanted to go to Gattiland with us, Virginia said, “yes.  And besides, it wouldn’t be any fun without me.”
• I had to do some shopping and asked Virginia if she would like to come with me.  “Of course I want to go with you.  We are buddies.”  What made this moment so special was that her reply came straight from the heart. 
• I became frustrated during the summer months because the kids were watching so much television.  I kept telling them that if they didn’t get off of the sofa then they were going to get fat and their butts were going to get big.  Virginia got tired of this harangue so the next time that I said, “Do you know what will happen if you watch too much television?”  Virginia replied with “Our butt have gotten gig!  They are huge!”  And then she made a motion of her butt blowing up.  It was funny.
• Our school newspaper liked to ask teachers questions and then print them just for the fun of it.  The question was “What is in the trunk of your care that would surprise people?”  I decided to have a little fun and I wrote “The cremated ashes of our first cat.”  Virginia took a lot of good natured grief and she tried to explain to her friends that we had never owned a cat.

All Three
• Because of multiple physical problems, we had to go to a specialist to have a baby.  It took us over a year and a half to conceive and Tracey used to cry herself to sleep because she was afraid that she would never have a child.  “Our lives are irrevocably changed,” is what I said to Tracey when we first found out that she was pregnant.  I wrote a note to my future children in my journal and it said that “if your eyes are on these pages, just remember that your mother and I fought hard to get you and we will do our best to raise you.”  
• When they were newborns they were up every two to four hours during the day and night for their feedings.  Their eyes were black and only when the sun shined directly into their eyes could I tell where the pupil ends and the iris begins.  And when they took their bottle those black eyes were searching for something as they drank.  In that moment they looked so innocent and trusting.  They were a completely helpless blob and were dependent on us for their every need.
• When they were still babies, at about eleven months, they would take that last bottle of the day before sleeping through the night.  As they finished, we could feel them melt into the crux between our neck and shoulders.  After a huge baby formula belch, heir whole bottle relaxed, and they slept.  
• They would slide down the baby tub because their bodies were too small for it when we first brought them home so we had to wash them in the kitchen sink.
• Their high-pitched cry came in fast and frequent breaths.  It was a furious cry which they could not keep up for long.  They turned bright red in their frustration but then turned pale white when they napped after their melt down.
• They had nap jerks where their arms and legs would suddenly lurch forward for no reason.
• Their fingernails were so hard to cut because they were membrane thin and I couldn’t tell where the nails ended and the skin began.
• Aside from Mommy and Daddy, their first words were up, down, no, yes, and cheese.
• “Processing,” is what we used to say whenever the kids were absorbing new information.  Their eyes steadied as they made room in their brains for the new information.
• I loved to roll around on the ground with them; to hear them laugh and to hold them close when they became sleepy.  When they were toddlers and couldn’t quite walk, they used to hold onto the walls and furniture to get around.  
• When we went to see movies Grant would sit on my left, Lillian on my right, and Virginia was two seats down.  As soon as the theater darkened, Virginia would climb in my lap and Lillian would grab my hand and hold it in her lap.  If I removed my hand for any reason then she would immediately grab it again and put it back in her lap.  We saw “The Hunchback of Notre Dame” and “Mulan” and “A Bug’s Life” and many other movies using this arrangement.
• When they were just toddlers they would give us a kiss when asked.  They would open their mouths and lean in, usually while drooling.  It was wonderful and gross at the same time.  It was like kissing a drunken sorority girl.  When they were older, the girls gave me butterfly kisses and we would gently rub our eyelashes together.  
• When Virginia was still in a baby carrier, we had a process to walking to our appointments together.  For example, on our twice weekly trips to the allergist, I would carry Virginia in my right hand while Lillian held my left hand.  Grant was instructed to grab onto my belt loop.
• I used to love to put the kids on my shoulders and spin around.  They grabbed my hands so they wouldn’t fall off and I would walk and spin as if I were drunk and they would laugh uproariously. 
• Tracey and I used to say that the kids were full of hyper-energy.  That they would “Go! Go! Go!” And then “Drop!”  When they were tired of playing they would say “My go sleep!”
• If I was eating something that they thought would be good they would pry open my mouth so that they could take a look inside.  I took having their little hands on my teeth in stride.
• When we visited Uncle Mel and Aunt Shirley, the kids had been in the car all day.  Aunt Shirley said “Does anyone want to go swimming?”  They were about six, five, and three at the time and just like that, “Vroom!”  All of their clothes came off in the foyer and they waited patiently for me to put their swimsuits on them.  Aunt Shirley wasn’t used to this act and she said, “Let’s show a little modesty!”
• Lillian and Virginia stole a tube of lipstick and snuck off to the back porch.  They smothered their mouths and the surrounding area with lipstick.  I couldn’t get mad at the theft because they were just so cute when they did it.
• I read books out loud to all three of them.  At the end of the day, they would lay at the foot of my easy chair while I read “The Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe,” or “The Tales of King Arthur.”  We did this for years and the last book that we read was “The Lord of the Rings.”
• When there was a thunderstorm the kids would leave their beds and sleep next to ours in the master bedroom.  They would throw their pillow and a blanket on the floor.  Virginia would come first, then Lillian, and finally Grant.  I never knew when they arrived and had to make sure that I didn’t step on them when I got out of bed.
• I tried my best to keep the kids busy during the summer.  We had swim practice, soccer camp, gymnastics, and then take a short vacation somewhere within easy driving distance.
• They liked to grab my thumbs and then walk up my front and when they couldn’t get any higher, they would flip themselves over and land like a gymnast.
• I liked to show them the classic movies, the same ones that I grew up with.  Among our favorites was “The King and I” and we liked to quote from that movie.  When I tried to settle them down for dinner, for example, I would say “Sit! Sit!  Sit!  That is what the king says.”  Eventually they would quote the movie as well, even when it didn’t make any sense to say the lines. 
• My nickname for my three children was “Prodigy, Princess, and Party Animal.”  Grant was the “Prodigy” because he always reading and it was clear from a young age that he was very smart.  Lillian was our “Princess” not only because she was so pretty but also because she had the poise and demeanor of a beauty queen.  Virginia was our “Party Animal” because she was always looking for a good time and was always moving, which cause her some problems in school.  The “Party Animal” was always in a good mood, always friendly, and full of self-confidence.
• Lillian and Virginia cried out of sadness when we read “Of Mice and Men” and George had to shoot Lenny.  They cried out of fear when they saw the first born sons being killed in the mini-series, “Jesus of Nazareth.”  It was nice that they were so sensitive.
• I trained the kids to say “Bunch of Pigs” whenever someone left a mess behind at a restaurant or something.  It was just so cute because they were really young when I started this and they were so emphatic when they said it that I couldn’t help but to laugh.   
• People who knew us over the years would comment on how much my three children had grown.  I loved to say yes, they are getting “Bigger and meaner every day!”  They didn’t like this comment very much but I thought that it was hilarious so I used it all of the time. 
• Music was a big part of our day.  “Mockingbird” was a favorite on the way back from swim practice and I played a lot of show tunes on the way to school.  When my mother-in-law died we went to Cancun and I picked up the girls, one at a time, and danced with them in the aisle as the restaurant played “Fly Me to the Moon.”   Lillian played that song for our dance together at her wedding.

I like to think that heaven is just our best memories playing over and over again in a loop.  If it is, then my heaven will be of Grant allowing me to hold him after bath time when he was so vulnerable and tired.  Lillian will be dancing and spinning around me because she was so happy that I had come to read a book to her class.  Virginia would run up to me when she saw me approaching her at after school care.  She would wrap her arms and legs around me and squeal with joy.  These are my precious memories and I am going to hold onto them forever. 

Baltic Sea Cruise

“Why do you take her out?  What does she get out of it?”  Rose said this about my blind wife when we were in Vietnam and Jane said the same thing about Tracey when we were on the Rhône River cruise.  Did the question come from pity or were they just being judgmental?  Or could it be that these comments came from a low wattage prejudice against the handicapped?  As you read my entry on the Baltic States, it is my hope that you will understand that my blind wife does get a lot out of these trips and that it is worthwhile to take her out of her comfort zone for awhile.  

        Saturday, May 17th: Bruges
        Our first day off the ship was cancelled because of mechanical problems.  The captain, using the ‘Voice of God” to emphasize the seriousness of the situation, told us of the cancellation.  We used the unplanned free time to book two more cruises.  Norwegian Cruise Line is doing a one and done cruise from Cape Town, up the West African coast, and finishing at Southampton, UK.  Before the cruise was over we booked yet another trip to Egypt, Saudi Arabia, and Dubai.  This was also a one and done cruise so we felt like we couldn’t pass it up.  Our vacation schedule is full for the next year and a half because of the special deals we made while on the ship.

        Sunday, May 18: London
        We were able to spend more time sight seeing because it was Sunday and there was so little traffic going into the city.  Our first stop was at Whitehall Gardens, which is situated next to Westminster Abbey, Trafalgar Square, and Parliament Square.  Big Ben and Buckingham Palace were was just a short walk away.  The international heroes of Britain have statues dedicated to them in the Whitehall Gardens and they include Gandhi, Churchill, Nelson Mandela, and Abraham Lincoln.   
       Our tour guide for the day was Linda and she pointed out the unusual buildings of London with the funny nicknames like Gherkin, Scalpel, Walkie Talkie, Cheese Grater and the Pregnant Lady.  Linda said, with a sniff, “pretty soon London will be just like Manhattan,” and then she curled her lip.  I thought that it was funny that she didn’t like London being compared to New York.
        The highlight of the day was visiting the Tower of London to see the Crown Jewels.  A conveyer belt had been installed since the last time that Tracey had been there and it kept the tourists moving past the jewels.  If they didn’t get enough then they were encouraged to ride past them again.  Sean was the attendant with the jewels and he let Tracey feel the reproduction of the jewels that were set off to the side of the real thing.  What made it special was that Sean spent about a half hour with Tracey and gave her a lot of information that others may not get.  It was wonderful.  
        Just out side of the Tower were statues of the animals that used to live in the on-site menagerie: a polar bear, baboon, and an elephant.  Obviously, the statues were erected so that the tourists could take some selfies with them, but it was all in good fun.         

        Monday, May 19: Amsterdam
        Augie was our guide through Amsterdam and she took us on a long canal ride through the city.  My dilemma was that I could either stay inside of the boat and hear Augie speak or I could stay on the deck and enjoy the beautiful day in Amsterdam.  Our compromise was that Tracey stayed with the guide while I took a lot of pictures on the outside.  
        It is better not to have any expectations.  I didn’t have any for London or Amsterdam, which was good because I wasn’t disappointed when we didn’t get to see everything that these two cities had to offer.  There was no way that we were going to be satisfied with being in the cities for just a few short hours but our appetites were whetted for another trip to Europe.

        Tuesday, May 20: Day at Sea
        This was our only scheduled day at sea and it gave me time to question why we take these trips.  The simple answer is that I love being treated like royalty.  For example, one of the excursion workers called me Majesty after I suggested that he could call me “My Lord” or “Majesty.”  You have to make it fun.
        After all of the trials of just getting on the ship, I was happy to just sit in the restaurant dining room with Tracey.  We took a slow breakfast and dinner whenever we could, appreciating where we were, the fantastic food, and getting to know each other again.  It was nice.

        Wednesday, May 21: Denmark and Sweden
        Popito was our guide and he promised to take us to the main attractions so we started with the statue of “The Little Mermaid” in Copenhagen, Denmark.  We saw the beautiful Lund Cathedral in Sweden where they had a 3D scale model for Tracey to feel.  There was a Kentucky Fried Chicken in Malmo, Sweden so we took our picture under the sign while clinking our KFC glasses, just like we did in St. Lucia all of those years ago.  Before driving back to Denmark, we stopped at the fountain in Stortorget Square, which is in front of City Hall.  The main figure in the fountain was supposed to be a clown entertaining the king; it is made of bronze, has water squinting out into a pool of water, and is an unusual piece for such a prestigious place.   Our final stop was back at Copenhagen where we saw the famous colored houses.  These houses are set on the water and are painted in bright colors to help the sailors identify their homes when they returned from the sea.   

        Thursday, May 22: Berlin
        We knew that this was going to be our only trip to Berlin so we blew our budget on a luxury van tour of Germany’s capital.  Fortunately, it was on this day that we had our best guide for our whole vacation.  His name was Kilion and he had dramatic windswept white hair which made him look like an imp.  Having been a tour guide for over thirty years, Kilion knew all about the historic sites and he showed us the Brandenburg Gates, the Reichstag, Hitler’s Bunker, the Holocaust Memorial, the Tiergarten, Check Point Charlie, and the Berlin Wall.  I taught history for 31 years and it was very rewarding to visit all of these places that I had lectured about in class so many times.   

        Friday, May 23: Gdańsk
        The cruise ship didn’t dock until the afternoon so we took a two hour “Behind the Scenes” tour.  We saw the bridge, the theater, and the laundry but the highlight was the kitchen.  The NCL “Dawn,” for example, has 197 staff members in the galleys alone and it serves twelve thousand meals per day.  And that doesn’t include the buffet.  It was fascinating.    
        In the afternoon we had Joanna for our guide and she took us from the Green Gate, through the Old Town, to the Gold Gate in Gdańsk, which is better known as the Royal Route.  The most distinctive feature was Neptune’s Fountain, which was built in the early 17th century and dominates the Royal Route.  Also, the “Four Quarters Fountain,” which has four life-size lions lying down while guarding each symbolic corner of the Old Town.  It was completed in 2007 and is a favorite among the children because it is a splash park with 24 jets of water.  
        To round out our day in Gdańsk, we saw St. Mary’s Cathedral and the rebuilt Great Synagogue.  What made these two places special to Tracey and me was that they had a 3D scale model for Tracey to feel.  She got a kick out of feeling the bronze and I took a lot of great pictures of her enjoying the moment.   

        Saturday, May 24, Klaipeda, Lithuania
        Usually I try to emphasize the good things about our trips and avoid writing anything bad; however, our trip to Klaipeda was ruined by our guide.  Sigita was on some kind of power trip.  She wore a short cropped hair style and dyed it red to demonstrate her aggressive nature.  All that she had to do was to give us a tour of the amber factory but there were too many people for the too small rooms that she took us to, so the rooms quickly became hot and over crowded.  When people began to avoid the rooms by moving on or lagging behind, Sigita became angry.  “Stop,” she yelled as loud as she could when people went to watch the polishing of the amber without her.  “This is a working factory!” She was incensed, saying “This is not a democracy,” And yet the artists working in the factory didn’t seem to mind us looking over their shoulder.  In fact, I think that we were a welcome distraction.  She just didn’t like the fact that she has lost control over the situation.  There were many other micro-aggressions by Sigita throughout our tour but I am sure that at no time during her training was she told that it is alright to yell angrily at the tourists.   

        Sunday, May 25, Riga, Latvia
        Our rule of thumb is that when we sign up for the excursions we avoid the shopping tours and the beach.  All I wanted to do was to take a walk around the beautiful cities of old Europe.  Anita was our guide in Riga and I told her that we were like glue because we were sticking to her.  While the other tourists split up and went their own way during free time, Tracey and I stayed with Anita and she gave us a private tour of the old city.  As we approached the former KGB building, she said that it was the tallest building in Riga.  “It is only five stories high but they say from inside you can see all of the way to Siberia.”  She laughed at her own joke and then pointed out that there were several statues of cats because we were near the wharf and the cats kept the rats out of the warehouses.  Anita made our day in Riga.

        Monday, May 26, Tallin, Estonia
        I love not knowing what we are going to do for the day because it is nice to be surprised. The ticket for our excursion said “Medieval Experience,” which could have meant anything.  Oliver was our guide to the Rakvere Castle, which was pure kitsch and a tourist trap, but we enjoyed it immensely.  They had stations where you could practice hoisting a pole for jousting, archery, and a torture chamber.  Rakvere Castle is mostly a ruins now but by turning it into a theme park they have the money to reinvest into the site and there was a lot of scaffolding erected to improve the structure. 

        Tuesday, May 27: Helsinki, Finland
        We had another unforced error by a tour guide who insisted on following the schedule given to her by corporate.  It all started off well enough when we saw the Nicholas II statue in front of the Government Palace in the Senate Square.  Then the tour turned into a death march.  One of the other tourists clocked the walk from the Senate Square to the Rock Church at almost three miles.  Lowra was our guide and, while she did have a microphone and a speaker, she had it turned to her front so literally no one could hear her because we were all behind her.  By the time that we made it to the Rock Church our fellow tourists were all spread out along the route and Tracey and I were among the last to arrive.  Blind people have mobility issues and, while I usually like to be next to the guide so that Tracey can hear her speak, I gave up this time around and we drifted towards the back of the pack.  The tour was supposed to walk back to the Senate Square because we were supposed to have a coffee break before reboarding the bus and Lowra was determined to get us there in time for it.  When it was pointed out that we wouldn’t have time for coffee if we walked back, Lowra called for the bus.  We complained loudly that we didn’t want to stop for coffee so the bus drove us back to the ship.  It was hard to be angry with our guide because Lowra was just following the schedule but we were exhausted from the death march and frustrated because we couldn’t hear so we had no idea of what we were looking at. 

        Wednesday, May 28: Stockholm, Sweden
        We disembarked from the ship at 8:00 in the morning and returned to our condo at just before midnight.  It was almost 24 hours worth of travel.  We slept all day on Thursday and most of Friday because we were exhausted.  This trip wasn’t for everybody.  There was a lot of pain flying to Europe and back.  On the plus side, Sean, Kilion, and Popito were great guides and we got to visit the Tower of London, the Colored Houses of Amsterdam, and the Brandenburg Gates.  On the negative side, Sigita and Lowra were horrible guides and experiencing a death march the day after taking a seven hour tour was too much for even a seasoned traveler.  I know that in the long run, we will forget the bad things and remember only the good times, so our trip to the Baltic Sea was worth it.

Kentucky Derby Infield 1979

    The infield from the 1970s was much different from the way that it is now.  For example, in 2025 Churchill Downs limits how many people can get into the infield and it costs $150.00 to gain entrance.  When I went with my friend, Mike, in 1979 it costs all of $35.00 and security wasn’t diligent about searching for alcohol.  In fact, it became a game of who could hide their stash from the guards so I had friends who taped small bottles of whiskey to their inner thigh or fill plastic bottles with vodka and place them at the bottom of a cooler.  A ticket to the infield gave you free reign of the place and everybody was invited.  No you couldn’t go up into the stands or to “Millionaire’s Row,” where the well healed bet on the races, but you could wander around the paddock and watch the horses as they left for the line up.  I was able to get so close that I could smell the liniment oil used to stimulate the blood flow.  Derby Day is looked forward to by all Kentuckians and I have some great memories from my time at the infield.  

   Before the first race, Mike and I climbed up the wall that protected the tunnel which connected the infield to the rest of Churchill Downs.  It was the perfect place to perch ourselves to watch the horses.  A very angry, and very drunk, man didn’t like the idea that we cheated the system by getting an unobstructed view of the race and yelled at us to get down.  The guy was clearly our of his mind and looked like he had nothing to lose.  We were vulnerable because our legs were dangling precariously over the side of the wall and the madman could have easily grabbed us and pulled us off.  In order to avoid a confrontation, we meekly climbed down and slipped away into the crowd.  It is better to be a coward than to get into a fist fight with white trash. 
   There was a cinderblock wall in front of the woman’s bathroom that served as the entrance and for privacy reasons. It was easy to get up on this wall so it was used as a stage for the drunken revelers.  The first guy to make the climb had his camera with him.  A crowd had collected; at first there were just twenty people but, when it looked like something interesting was going to happen, the attendance quickly rose to a hundred or more.  The guy held up his camera and gave the crowd the finger.  Everyone quickly understood what the man was trying to do so we gave the finger right back and he snapped off a few pictures.  It would have been fun to see one of those pictures printed in the local newspaper.
   The wall then became a stage for strippers.  A couple of woman couldn’t resist showing off their assets to a crowd of that size.  The men, fueled by alcohol and having their inhibitions weakened by their day in the hot sun, started to chant, “Show Us Your Tits!”  One by one the women obliged.  And then it turned ugly.  The crowd wanted more than tits and when the third woman flashed the crowd, she could feel the hands of the men standing up front grabbing for her shorts and they tried to pull them off.  One guy had such a good grip that the woman realized that she was about to be totally naked in front of all those people, so she only had one option and that was to dive off of the wall.  My only hope is that there was someone to catch her.
   The last woman on top of the wall was clearly not going to show us her tits.  She was a middle age white woman who was dressed more for a garden party than for the infield.  And she was mad!  The stage was hers and hers alone and she used her moment in the spotlight to chastise the whole crowd by saying, “This is the worst display of male chauvinism and objectification of women that I have ever seen,” she admonished.  “You should be ashamed of yourselves!”  She had the stage but didn’t read the room.  Instead of being ashamed, a huge, hairy arm appeared from the front of the crowd and grabbed the woman by her shirt and pulled her off of the wall.  The woman took a header and, once again, I could only hope that someone at the bottom was good enough to catch her.  Feeling a little ashamed of themselves for taking part of this impromptu strip show, the crowd broke up.  As Mike and I left we noticed that a couple of women were standing off to the side and, when asked to show their tits, replied “show us yours dicks first.”  It is better to fend off rude behavior with humor rather than trying to chastise a drunken crowd.
   In 1979 I was lucky enough to have checked off all of the boxes on the privilege list: white, male, affluent, and athletic.  In my youth I rarely left my middle class life in the suburbs, so I had never seen anything like this before.  But now I had seen enough and decided to leave the wall and the crowd behind to walk around the infield.  Instead of getting better the scene actually got worse.  There was a big concrete planter, easily seen from “Millionaire’s Row,” and a woman climbed on top of it and stripped off all of her clothes.  Unlike at the wall, there was no big crowd to encourage her, just a couple of bystanders who were shocked by what they were seeing.  The woman was drunk out of her mind and disgusting because she was dirty and sweaty and didn’t have the sort of body that one would want to see naked.  She was looked upon as an object of pity rather than the sexual fantasy that she clearly though that she was.  The police were called in and because the naked woman could not climb down on her own accord, so they had to catch her as she fell into their waiting hands. 
   The police are kept busy on Derby Day.  They had their own station at the infield and spotters on the roof looking for trouble makers.  You knew something bad had happened when suddenly six officers left their station, jogging together in a close pack to make an arrest.  I personally saw a frat boy walking up behind complete strangers and tapping them on the shoulder.  When the unsuspecting stranger turned around, the frat boy sucker punched him and ran away.  I counted three victims to this cowardly act before the police arrived and took the frat boy to the infield jail.  A few minutes later I saw another frat boy challenging an officer to a wrestling match.  Instead of accepting the challenge or arresting the guy, the officer talked the frat boy down and let him go on his way.
   You can try to excuse the violence and the stripping by saying that the participants were drunk, but that only goes so far.  According to the law of unintended consequences, someone will always get hurt and, in the case of our day at the infield, that person was Mike.  We had enough of the heat and the sun bearing down on us and decided to leave early.  Suddenly, a glass bottle appears from out of the sky and lands right next to us.  We were walking towards the exit so we were on the concrete part of the infield and the bottle exploded into a thousand pieces.  A shard of glass rocketed to Mike’s arm and wedged itself in so we couldn’t get it out.  He was bleeding pretty good so we made our way to the aide station.  A nurse removed the glass, put on a butterfly bandage so that there wouldn’t be a scar, and then wrapped up the wound.  I plaintively said to the nurse, “all that we were doing was walking away from the crowd.”  The nurse shook her head, smiled at my naïveté, and said, “yes, but you were in the infield,” as if that explained everything.

Softball at Camp

The setting for the old ball field was beautiful because it was in the middle of the woods. There were trees surrounding the whole field and it became easy to forget that there was any civilization at all. The aesthetic was wasted on the boys, however, whether they were campers or counselors, because all that they wanted to do was to smack the tar out of the baseball. As with almost anything that has to do with boys, they wanted to show off how masculine they were and if they struck out while at the plate, or if the ball that they hit was a lob and easily caught, then it was a loss of honor for them. And being boys, they had to razz their friends if they made a mistake or struck out. The jeers began before the first pitch and the good natured jabs continued well after the game ended.

The problem with playing baseball is that it is incredibly fun if you are at bat or are pitching but for the rest of the players there is an awful lot of waiting around. The campers became bored instantly. If they were in the outfield then they would lose themselves by staring or the grass or by studying the woods to try and figure out if there were monsters or wildcats hiding in there. If their team was at bat then they would immediately forget the order in which they were on deck so the chiefs had to continually remind them of when they were supposed to go to the plate. When the team was on the offense then they had to line up behind the fence but the close proximity to each other meant that there were often arguments which sometimes led to pushing and even fists. Whoever invented baseball probably didn’t have preteens in mind when he came up with the rules.

Some of the campers played club baseball at home and they were really good. The old ball field was not set up for professionals and the older campers often hit the ball into the woods that lined the field. If this happened then play would have to stop and the outfielders would fan out to find the ball. Sometimes this took awhile and members of both teams became restless. The counselors became the umpires during the baseball games and George, who was an umpire, came up with the idea that if a baseball was hit into the woods then it became an automatic out. This rule resulted in constant complaining by the semi-professional ball players but it was just camp ball and it was silly to take it too seriously.

Zolo usually had the oldest campers. It infuriated him when Danny didn’t take the game seriously. When he was the pitcher he would lob the ball or throw it wide right so that the older campers had a hard time hitting it. When Zolo complained, Danny would yell out, “Oh Waaa! You cry like a baby!” This only made Zolo angrier as he was filled with righteous indignation. The two chiefs would not talk to each other for days after playing a game together.

Danny also loved to get under the skin of the batter. When they complained about his lobbing the ball, Danny would simply reply with “tough titties!” The more they complained, the more they encouraged Danny. He openly taunted the batter by calling the a “booger eating, slack jawed, sloping forehead, knuckle dragging, moron.” The campers in Polk’s tribe could as old as fourteen or even fifteen and they didn’t like the trash talk of Danny. All that they wanted to do was to smack the ball into the woods, regardless of the penalty. Danny continued to lob the ball and when the campers complained he called them “turkey turds.” Certainly, this was not the way that the game was played back in Knoxville.
While Danny pitched, his whole tribe of sixteen campers played outfield. Not only did they have to deal with the boredom, the sweat bees where everywhere and they had to continually swat them away. Sometimes a camper would kick up his legs, fling his arms in the air, and let out a cry when he was bit. Danny was genuinely unsympathetic. “Pay attention you bunch of candies,” he yelled at them. The opponents were always “turkey turds” while his own team were always “candies.” Each time a new boy came to the plate, Danny turned to his tribe in the outfield and yell, “Sing it, chorus!” And all of the members of the Creek tribe would yell “Batter! Batter! Swing batter!” It was all great fun, except for Zolo who fumed in frustration, and Danny knew that when the campers went back to school in the fall they would call their friends “turkey turds” and “candies.”

Never one to miss the chance to make a dollar, Fr. Jubal Early sold ice cream bars to the campers as they walked past the refrigerator at the back of the mess hall on the way to the ball field. It didn’t matter if the campers ate it fast or slow because they always ended of with goo all over their hands before they even made it out to the field. They complained bitterly that they wanted to wash their hands but the nearest latrine was a long way off so they remained sticky. In a rare admission that he had made a mistake, Fr. Early stopped selling ice cream after his first two years as director.

Wrestling at Camp

 “The Great Wrestling Match” became part of the Camp Van Dorn lore.  It only happened once because it caused so much physical pain but it was such an event that not a day went by that the wrestling match wasn’t mentioned.

   The whole thing began when Polk brought his weight set out to camp so that he could lift during rest period or at night.  As a group, the counselors were very competitive and by midsummer they had grown tired of taking out their aggression on board games and cards.  They had to make room for something more physical because the testosterone had to find an outlet and lifting weights fit the bill.  Of course, the boys had to challenge each other by lifting more weights and by doing more reps.  Fr. Early initially laughed at Polk for bringing out his weights because he thought no one would use them but, when it became obvious that not only Polk but half of the other counselors were really into lifting, Padre had to admit that he was wrong.  The true surprise was when Franklin, or Wimp, embraced lifting weights with a passion.  He was tired of being called a “candy” because he was physically weak.  While it was true that he couldn’t lift nearly the same amount of weights that Polk and Scott could lift, Franklin’s drove himself to get a bigger and better body than when he began the season at Camp Van Dorn.

   The simple act of lifting weights was not very satisfying so the competition between the counselors quickly escalated to wresting.  Polk came up with the idea of clearing all of the weights and benches to the walls of the lodge and throwing down some mattresses in the middle of the floor to have a wrestling match.  It seemed like a good idea.  What could go wrong?  The main problem was that the mattresses from the cabins were only two inches thick and offered minimal protection from the hard wood floors.  By the end of the night, all of the counselors ended their match with bruises on their shoulders and welts on their backs.

   As the night progressed, the counselors grew tired of wrestling each other one on one.  “How about if we do tag team wrestling like they have on television,” offered Polk. “We can split up into teams of two.  I’ll take Scott as my partner.”  Everyone knew that Polk used to play football, because he reminded them daily, and that he was a defensive end for the Farragut Anchors.  It had been almost a year since he played and he had let his body to to waste but, even though he was fat, Polk was still very strong.  He probably masturbated over the idea of wrestling someone smaller than himself.  In effect, he was giving himself permission to beat up on the rest of the counselors and he didn’t’t let the chance go by to settle some old scores.

   “No,” said George.  “You and Scott are the biggest and strongest two counselors so we have to split you up.  I’ll take Scott as my partner.”  They all agreed that this was fair and, to make things even, Polk took the smallest guy, Danny, as his partner.  That left Barney and Zolo to partner up as they were both somewhere in between the size of Polk and Danny.  Getting into a tag team wrestling match was against type for Barney and Zolo, but it sounded like fun to the other four, so they joined in.  It was a decision that they would regret for days to come.

   It was the best of three rounds.  There were six mattresses in the middle of the floor and whomever was pinned or pushed off the mattresses lost their round.  It was agreed that Polk and Danny were the best team so George and Scott would wrestle Barney and Zolo for the honor of competing against Polk and Danny.  There was no warm up.  George wasn’t in the same class as Polk, but was still very strong, literally threw Barney off the mats before he had a chance to tag out or even defend himself.  The next two rounds went just like that and Barney and Zolo were eliminated.  However, this first match was just a warm up for the main event.

   George knew that he couldn’t beat Polk but he couldn’t back down from a wrestling match without losing face.  He knew his only chance was to continue to tag off with Scott in the hopes of wearing Polk down so that Danny would have to come in.  Danny was the youngest and the thinnest but he was quick and wiry.  Surprisingly, Danny turned out to be a good wrestler.  He grabbed on to George, refused to let go, and kept one shoulder off the mat so he couldn’t be considered pinned.  Once he felt his energy draining, Danny wriggled over to his partner to tag out.  Polk was fueled by the very last of his beer, in fact the last of any beer, at Camp Van Dorn, and was glad to take his frustration out on George, who had made fun of his Gimp craft and who lorded over the camp because he was the head lifeguard.  It was the best two out of three and Polk and Danny beat George and Scott in two successive matches.  

   It was supposed to be fun, something to do to kill some time, but the boys could barely move after wrestling what was, in essence, a bare wooden floor.  As members of the winning team, Polk and Danny got the bragging rights until the next matchup and just as with the “Risk” game, Polk was not a gracious winner.  Polk considered it just one more peg up the totem pole that led to an elite status and he claimed that he was the senior counselor.  George and Scott could care less about the chest beating and the competition to be the senior counselor.  They never wanted to participate in another wrestling match because so much pain was involved.  They had done it once, had the welts and bruises to prove their manliness, and never wanted to do it again.

   What was surprising that there were no physical fights between counselors over the wrestling match.  These were teenage boys and they wore their hearts on our sleeves; very dramatic and very emotional.  They were still trying to figure themselves out; to find out who they were.  Once a competitive wrestling match was thrown in then all sorts of emotions got stirred up.  All of the counselors were bragging about how they had faired in the wrestling match or, if they were defeated soundly, they promised that they would do better at the rematch.  The taunting was endless and, sensing that the competitive drive was being ratcheted up, Fr. Early stepped in and outlawed another wrestling match.  Padre was afraid that the counselors would really hurt themselves if he allowed another match, a real fear after the boys walked away from the first one with a lot of welts, bruises, and minor cuts.  Once they knew that there would be no more matches the counselors threw up some false bravado and swore that “it is a good thing that there won’t be another match,” they bragged to each other.  “Certainly I would pin you if given another chance!”

        For that one night, the fat, stupid, and happy Polk was king of Camp Van Dorn as he had defeated all comers.  His self confidence had peaked because he was the undisputed champion of “Risk” and wrestling.  That summer at Camp Van Dorn was the highlight of Polk’s life and it was all downhill for him from there

Cave Exploring at Camp

If you were to ask the counselors why on earth would they would leave the relative comfort of Camp Van Dorn to drench themselves in the icy waters of Pickett’s Cave the boys would have a hard time coming up with an answer to that question. They were on the cusp of manhood and needed to challenge themselves with some sort of trial. The counselors never articulated it that way; for them, it was just something to do. Exploring the cave was a way of breaking up the monotony of the summer and sure, it was dangerous, but they were young and bulletproof and welcomed a way to prove their mettle.

Part of the fun of exploring Pickett’s Cave was preparing for the expedition. The counselors bought special water proof flashlights, for example, and knee pads because we knew that we would be on our hands and knees as we made our way through some of the tighter spots. Scott went so far as to buy rope and practiced repelling by throwing the rope over a tree branch, attaching himself to a harness that he had learned how to make in the Boy Scouts, and pulled himself up to twenty feet off of the ground.

The cave was about a half mile away from the camp so the counselors had to hike with all of their equipment with them. They met at the lodge, checked and rechecked that their waterproof flashlights still worked, and then made sure that the rope was in good order. Even though they were teenagers, they took cave exploring seriously.

The water was cold but because they were over heated from the long walk over, the counselors didn’t mind. The problem was that it had rained recently and the water level was high. Scott was always the practical one and he suggested that the counselors wait for another day to try an exploration to give the cave water a chance to recede. George said, “let’s put it up for a vote and let everyone decide together.” All seven voted to go into the cave, mostly because if they didn’t vote for it then they would be called a “Pussy! Pussy! Pussy!” Besides, testosterone coursed through the veins of all of the boys and they were unwilling to wait another day to go spelunking, so they waded into the cave.

After just a few steps the ceiling of the cave dropped and there was only two and a half feet worth of crawl space. They continued on, moving on their hands and knees, but the water continued to rise. Instead of admitting defeat and going back to the entrance, the boys floated on their backs with their faces turned toward the ceiling. Now there was only inches of space between the water and the ceiling and, if any more of the rain water ran off into the cave, then the boys would be stuck in the cave until someone had pieced together what had happened to them. Fr. Early had told them before they left that it hadn’t rained in a few days so the water was receding, not getting deeper. That was why he allowed them to go. Since he was so much older, and the head of the camp, the boys put their complete trust in whatever Padre said.

Put clothes into a water-proof bag. Most of the cave was dry and the entrance was the only place where you would get wet. Zolo and Bill seemed to be taking their time so Polk, always impatient, yelled at them. “Let’s keep moving you swinging dicks.” It was a line that he learned from reading novels about the military life. Zolo, undaunted by Polk’s prodding, said “my dick has recessed so far up into my body that I think that I might be a girl now!” Even the usually dour Bill laughed at that and said, “Good one,” to Zolo as they made their way to the depths of the cave.

The primary objective of this expedition was to find their way back to the Cathedral Room, which got its nickname because the room went straight up and the counselors had to bend over backwards to see the top of it. It was the furthest that anyone at Camp Van Dorn had been and they were determined to find a passage that would take them back into the undiscovered parts of the cave. The only way to do that was to climb the three stories high waterfall where they had noticed a hole that looked like another entrance to the waterfall room. That is way it was so important that Scott bring a rope and that he had practiced repelling to that he could make it to the top of the waterfall.

One of the challenges of getting back to the Cathedral Room was that the spelunkers had to get on their bellies and shimmy through a portion of the cave that was only three feel tall. Polk led the way, Scott carried the rock climbing gear, and George stayed in the back in case anyone needed help. Zolo was in the middle and he had not yet learned to leave nature alone. When he saw what looked like a bunch of black balls attached to the ceiling he thought that it would be a good idea to throw rocks at them to see if it was a living thing. They were bats and sensing danger, they wanted to get out of the cave. Zolo was the only thing in their way and they flew right into his face. He screamed at the assault and, still on his hands and knees, turned around with a dexterity that his chunky body had never performed before, he scrambled towards the exit. Only when all of the bats passed by could Scott convince Zolo to stay with the group. For the rest of the summer the other boys reenacted this scene, punctuated with the high pitched scream as Zolo was hit in the face with the flying rodents, and they never tired of retelling the story.

After several tries of throwing his rope stalagmites that had grown out from the wall at the top of the cave, Scott was able to make a loop around the rock. Just like he had done while practicing on a tree, he pulled himself while the others watched. There were a few hair-raising moments where it appeared that Scott was going to lose his balance but his made it to the top with little difficulty.

As it turned out, the hole that they mistook for another entrance turned out to be nothing but a false promise. There was no extension to the cave. Scott had climbed the thirty foot wall of “The Cathedral” only to discover that, for all of his efforts, his only reward was a dead end. It didn’t matter. For the rest of the summer, and throughout the years, Scott got to brag that he had climbed the waterfall; something that no one else had been willing to do because of the danger involved. He took the risk but also gained all of the glory.

In order to get out of the cave the counselors had to go through the exact same obstacle course that they had entered the cave. Zolo, who was cold and tired and had enough of spelunking. As they got back on their backs to float out to the cave’s entrance, Zolo said “Ain’t this fun, boys? Ain’t this fun?” He spit out the words so everyone knew that he was being sarcastic. This was the one and only trip that Zolo made to the Cathedral Room, or any other cave for that matter. If anyone asked him to go on another cave run, Zolo just glared at them and said, “Of course I’ll go because it was so much fun the first time!”

The air that filled their lungs once they were out of the cave was dry and warm as opposed to the stale and freezing air of Pickett’s Cave. They made their way back to camp, tired and damp but filled with glory. Exchanging high fives and still feeling the rush of excitement from exploring the cave and the fun of watching Scott climb to the top of “The Cathedral,” they realized that this adventure would act as a bonding experience for them that they could share for years to come.

There was only one shower for the counselors to use and it was at the back of the mess hall. Rather than wait in line in their wet clothes, the counselors decided to use the communal shower in the latrines. It was meant for the campers but it had six shower heads and plenty of hot water. They stripped down, still laughing and enjoying the adrenaline rush and looking forward to dry clothes and a nap. They were barely even aware that they were a group of boys who were standing naked in a shower when suddenly Polk turned to Zolo, looked down, and said, “You have a small penis.” For once in his life, Zolo could not think of a come back. Everyone laughed, especially Danny, who was still smarting from having Zolo spit in his face.

Zolo began to sulk. He had suffered through the freezing water and having bats fly in his face. He knew that he was going to take some good natured grief for their exploration of Pickett’s Cave and now he had to worry about small penis jokes. While the others went back to their cabins to nap, Zolo went to the lodge for a Coke and a candy bar and a movie on the VCR to reward himself for surviving what he thought was a quixotic adventure.