Green Tortoise Tour

 Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it for me. I’ve enjoyed my time on the bus and it has been a pleasure getting to know you. If you want to stay connected then Google me at Jeff Frazier in Louisville, Kentucky. I’ll pop right up.” These were the final words that I spoke to the Green Tortoise Tours. It was all a bluff as, in the inside, I was thinking, “Thank God that is over. Clearly it was a mistake!” I was more than ready to return to my life in the gilded bubble that is 1400 Willow.

When Tracey and I flew to Egypt, I developed a blood clot in my left leg. It didn’t inhibit me at all but everyone on the tour was telling me how bad my leg looked. It blew up to twice its normal size because of the ride in the airplane, three days straight on the bus, and the hiking. Ralph was a physician’s assistant and he said that an infection may have set it. Lyle said that I couldn’t go on unless I had a doctor check it out. I kept telling them that I had been to the hospital twice to have a sonogram and had been to see my doctor twice right before the trip and she cleared me. That wasn’t good enough so my choice was to fly home or be harassed about hiking, when that was our singular activity. The leg wasn’t going to get better as long as I was on the bus, or was hiking, so I left for Calgary that same day and then flew back to Louisville.

Given the chance, I don’t know if I would have done anything differently. My leg was down to normal size before I left and Dr. Tsai had cleared me. Still, when everyone is telling you how bad your leg looks, you should probably pay attention to them. If you ignore the advice from all of your colleagues then you might have to answer the question of, “How far from the pack have you strayed?”

I feel lucky to get away unscathed. Lyle said that we were about to leave Banff and there were no hospitals or any immediate care units until we reached Juneau, which was a week away. If the blood clot passed into my heart or brain then I would have to take a helicopter out of the wilderness. My thought was that he could have said the same thing about any of the passengers, especially the two seventy two year old women who were in the bus. We were sleeping in the cold and wet weather and anyone of us could have developed pneumonia.

I told Lyle that there were no hard feelings. I got out of the trip what I wanted to get out of it and the experience wasn’t going to get any better by stretching it out for another three weeks. In effect, Lyle offered me a way out of a trip that offered me little but frustration, so I grabbed onto the excuse with both hands and abruptly left

Quotes:

1. You had to like Scotty G if for no other reason than he was completely honest. For example, when

we all first met each other outside of the TransAmerica building in San Francisco, he said, “We

are all trying to to size each other up.”

2. Scotty G named his dog “Sober” because “you put all of your shit on your dog.”

3. Scotty G said, without provocation, that “I am not an onion. I am an artichoke! When you peel

off my layers you will find a heart!” I thought to myself that I will use that line for the rest of my

life.

4. Scotty G would suddenly check out and meditate. It was his way of checking out and escaping

from the mundanities of the life on the bus.

5. I bought a bottle of Jim Beam, mostly to use as a prop, because the Kentucky boy should always

have a bottle of bourbon. Next store to the liquor store was a cannabis shop and I asked for a low grade sample of marijuana because I didn’t want to get sick. When Scotty G saw my bottle of Jim bean on the counter while I was asking for weak weed, he said “that is like trying to kill yourself but not wanting to use an AK-47 to do it.”

6. Savannah said that her mother allowed her to go on the Green Tortoise Tour because, “As long as I don’t sell my body or take drugs, I can do whatever I want!”

7. Jeff F said, “Gary, I don’t know anything about you. Tell me about yourself.” To which Gary answered, “Well, the first thing that you should know about me is that I am very handsome.”

8. Erica said that I have cadaver feet because they are white while the rest of my leg are tan.

9. Russ said “Does there come a time on this trip when people don’t talk so much? My ears are getting tired.”

10. When asked why he became a firefighter, Jorge’s pat answer is “because I was a boy with a penis.” That meant that all red blooded American boys dream of becoming a fireman some day.

11. Lyle said that “One of my most important jobs is rumor control.” I didn’t hear any rumors and then it hit me that the rumors were probably about me. I hoped that the rumors were about me hooking up with 19 year old Savannah but more likely they were about the blood clot in my left leg.

12. Eileen threw up twice, once in the bus and another time in the common eating area. There are procedures for this sort of thing that were ignored by The Tortoise. In fact, I had pointed out that Eileen was sick to Amber to let her know that a member of the group was puking. Later on, Amber said that “if you see a problem, don’t point it out to me. Do what you can to solve the problem without me.” My thought was that with a lot of people walking through the puke were getting germs all over their shoes and that is a good way to get a bus load of people sick.

13. Donna had been on “The Tortoise” before and said that this was the most laid back group ever. Because it cost so much, the people are a lot older than a typical Tortoise tour.

14. I said, “I think that The Tortoise brings couples together because they have to share the hardships of the trip.” Donna replied, “I”ve never seen married couple together who are happy. It is nice to see that it can happen.” There was some nervous laughter at this outward sign of honesty. “I am serious!,” replied Donna, who wanted to relieve the uncomfortable moment.

This trip has “mistake” written all over it.

1. I was most concerned with sharing a month long trip with a bunch of strangers

2. I was worried about sleeping outside, in a tent, and fighting off the mosquitoes. I can handle a lot

of thing but sleep deprivation is not one of them.

3. I was worried about the length of the trip. I had signed on for a month but just made it past one

week.

4. I recognized that I am my own worst enemy on a trip like this. Still, I felt like I had to do it while

I was still young enough and strong enough to endure a rough trip.

5. I thought that it was going to be a bunch of frat boys but, as it turned out, the people on the trip

were pretty great.

6. My thought was that the best thing that I could do was to just throw myself into the experience. If

worst cam to worst then I could bail out at Juneau or someplace else.

7. I have done the luxury cruise ships and wanted to try something different.

8. There was no promise of a shower and, if a shower was available, there was no promise of hot

water. I thought that it wouldn’t be a problem for me to go for days without a shower and, because I am not a picky eater, I could eat whatever was served by the camp fire for breakfast and dinner.

9. There were no mirrors. I have bad skin and didn’t know if I had any whiteheads so I was a little self conscious when I talked to people.

10. There was almost no personal space. I had to get used to being around a lot of people, who apparently did not have to go through a background check, all day long. People napped next to each other throughout the day in the pit.

Rules of the Green Tortoise

1. No homesteading. You cannot call your place and expect to live there for four weeks

2. Respect the “Tortoise Orbit.” There is storage space above the seats in the compartments but,

since people like to sleep up there, the backpacks and other luggage may be moved without notice. It is a reminder that there is no personal space and that your stuff maybe moved without your consent or notification.

Chapter 6 Section 1: Hostel for “The Turtle Tour”
• Start with San Francisco.  Stay at hostel.  Combine it with the hostel in Seattle
• Initial meeting on the street in San Francisco. 
• Include Banff.  The one good day 

Chapter 6 Section 2: Quotes for “The Turtle Tour”
• You had to like Scotty G if for no other reason than he was completely honest.  For example, when we all first met each other outside of the TransAmerica building in San Francisco, he said, “We are all trying to to size each other up.”
• Scotty G named his dog “Sober” because “you put all of your shit on your dog.”
• Scotty G said, without provocation, that “I am not an onion.  I am an artichoke!  When you peel off my layers you will find a heart!”  I thought to myself that I will use that line for the rest of my life.
• Scotty G would suddenly check out and meditate.  It was his way of checking out and escaping from the mundanities of the life on the bus.
• I bought a bottle of Jim Beam, mostly to use as a prop, because the Kentucky boy should always have a bottle of bourbon.  Next store to the liquor store was a cannabis shop and I asked for a low grade sample of marijuana because I didn’t want to get sick.  When Scotty G saw my bottle of Jim bean on the counter while I was asking for weak weed, he said “that is like trying to kill yourself but not wanting to use an AK-47 to do it.”
• Savannah said that her mother allowed her to go on the Green Tortoise Tour because, “As long as I don’t sell my body or take drugs, I can do whatever I want!”
• Jeff F said, “Gary, I don’t know anything about you.  Tell me about yourself.”  To which Gary answered, “Well, the first thing that you should know about me is that I am very handsome.”
• Erica said that I have cadaver feet because they are white while the rest of my leg are tan.
• Russ said “Does there come a time on this trip when people don’t talk so much?  My ears are getting tired.”
• When asked why he became a firefighter, Jorge’s pat answer is “because I was a boy with a penis.”  That meant that all red blooded American boys dream of becoming a fireman some day.
• Lyle said that “One of my most important jobs is rumor control.”  I didn’t hear any rumors and then it hit me that the rumors were probably about me.  I hoped that the rumors were about me hooking up with 19 year old Savannah but more likely they were about the blood clot in my left leg.
• Eileen threw up twice, once in the bus and another time in the common eating area.  There are procedures for this sort of thing that were ignored by The Tortoise.  In fact, I had pointed out that Eileen was sick to Amber to let her know that a member of the group was puking.  Later on, Amber said that “if you see a problem, don’t point it out to me.  Do what you can to solve the problem without me.”  My thought was that with a lot of people walking through the puke were getting germs all over their shoes and that is a good way to get a bus load of people sick.  
• Donna had been on “The Tortoise” before and said that this was the most laid back group ever.  Because it cost so much, the people are a lot older than a typical Tortoise tour.
• I said, “I think that The Tortoise brings couples together because they have to share the hardships of the trip.”  Donna replied, “I”ve never seen married couple together who are happy.  It is nice to see that it can happen.”  There was some nervous laughter at this outward sign of honesty.  “I am serious!,” replied Donna, who wanted to relieve the uncomfortable moment.
• As I was telling the story of taking a shower in what was basically a horse stall in the middle of a barn, the only thing that was securing my privacy was a thin shower curtain.  It wasn’t secure and, as I told the others on the tour, “one good breeze and the shower curtain would be whooshed away and the surprise would be over” in terms of my private parts.

Chapter 6 Section 3: The Mistake that was “The Turtle Tour”
• I was most concerned with sharing a month long trip with a bunch of strangers
• I was worried about sleeping outside, in a tent, and fighting off the mosquitoes.  I can handle a lot of thing but sleep deprivation is not one of them.
• I was worried about the length of the trip.  I had signed on for a month but just made it past one week.  
• I recognized that I am my own worst enemy on a trip like this.  Still, I felt like I had to do it while I was still young enough and strong enough to endure a rough trip.
• I thought that it was going to be a bunch of frat boys but, as it turned out, the people on the trip were pretty great.
• My thought was that the best thing that I could do was to just throw myself into the experience.  If worst came to worst then I could bail out at Juneau or someplace else.
• I have done the luxury cruise ships and wanted to try something different.
• There was no promise of a shower and, if a shower was available, there was no promise of hot water.  I thought that it wouldn’t be a problem for me to go for days without a shower and, because I am not a picky eater, I could eat whatever was served by the camp fire for breakfast and dinner.
• There were no mirrors.  I have bad skin and didn’t know if I had any whiteheads so I was a little self conscious when I talked to people.
• There was almost no personal space.  I had to get used to being around a lot of people, who apparently did not have to go through a background check, all day long.  People napped next to each other throughout the day in the pit
• No one there was going to miss me.  I lifted right out.  

Chapter 6 Section 4: Rules for “The Turtle Tour”
• No homesteading.  You cannot call your place and expect to live there for four weeks
• Respect the “Tortoise Orbit.”  There is storage space above the seats in the compartments but, since people like to sleep up there, the backpacks and other luggage may be moved without notice.  It is a reminder that there is no personal space and that your stuff maybe moved without your consent or notification.  Cheryl didn’t like it when I moved her stuff.
• Even though we have a bathroom onboard, there will be no pooping or peeing on the bus.  Human waste changes the chemical compound in the port-a-potty so it is better if we don’t use it.  Besides, if the port-a-potty becomes full then we have to find a place to drain it and that is sometimes not possible in the backwoods of Canada.
• Rate your need to pee from one to ten.  A “one” is when you have just peed and your bladder is empty.  A “ten” is when you have just peed in your pants.  Tell Amber or Lyle when your pee rating is a seven so that they can find a place to pull over.  A “seven” means that you have at least fifteen minutes before you have to empty your bladder.  You don’t go from a seven to a ten in fifteen minutes so don’t expect for the bus to immediately pull over when you announce that you are a “seven.”  Muriel suffered
• Pitch in whenever you can, whenever you see the need.  For example, do the dishes or load the bus or fetch the water
• Be flexible and open to new experiences.
• No shoes on in the pit.  If the mattresses get dirty or wet then they will remain dirty or wet for the whole trip and nobody wants that.

Chapter 6 Section 5: Why did I take a take “The Turtle Tour”
• There are new are different problems.  Instead of thinking about my sister and my niece dying, I can concentrate on setting up camp or going for a long hike.
• New people who were different from me.  The teachers at Sacred Heart, the people at 1400 Willow, and the members at Milestone have a tendency to be tight assed.  I want to interact with a different type of person
• I am low maintenance so I don’t care what I eat, where I sleep, or what we do.  I took it one day at a time and was determined not to plan ahead.  It is just another example of mind over matter; using self-discipline and patience, I should be able to endure the trip with no problems/
• Half of the fun is to figure out the puzzle, to put all of the pieces together.  How does the bus work, what are the names and occupations of the people and how will they get along with each other.
• I wanted to slow down and enjoy the experience.  I just took a train from Phoenix to San Antonio, for example, but didn’t feel like I had done either city justice.  A bus trip would force me to spend more time in each place and make me appreciate the places where we had passed through.  
• Now I have something to write about. This will be my fifth book
• Missed opportunities.

Chapter 6 Section 6: Welcome Surprises for “The Turtle Tour”
• I slept well at night, wedging myself into a compartment above the pit and the seats.  There was no room to maneuver, so I had to sleep perfectly still, but I was warm and safe and dry.  Also, I carried an old iPod with me and listened to recorded episodes of NPR.  The constant drone of voices blocked out the chit-chatting from the other passengers.
• Everyone was nervous at first and were on his and her best behavior.  The last thing that you wanted to do was to offend someone on the fourth day and they give you the stink eye for the rest of the trip.
• It was a really nice coach bus.  After looking at the pictures on Facebook, I was expecting an old and worn out bus.
• About half of the passengers were from foreign countries and that made conversation really interesting.
• My first impression of the interior of the bus was that of the pit, which was a big and open area at the back.  It was like one big couch where everyone could recline and relax.
• I packed really well; not too much and I didn’t forget anything.

Chapter 6 Section 7: Cast for “The Turtle Tour”
• This trip seemed to bring the couples closer together because they share the hardships.  I noticed that Russ brought Cindy her breakfast.  Paige and Seth played together by pretending to fence.  
• Elan and Murielle were always asking each other if they needed anything or wanted any help.  It was nice to see the married people getting along so well.  Brought along their own special food
• Lyle and Amber run the show.  Lyle had been traveling with The Tortoise since he was six, or for fifty years.  Amber was hired on as a guide when she was 20. 
• Scotty G had a Louis Vuitton bag, which one would never expect on a bus tour, and wild hair.  He is a hair dresser for a living; divorced with three girls from his marriage.
• Eileen is an art teacher, divorced, and very outgoing.  She had to stay in close proximity to a phone because her mother is very sick.  Threw up in middle of pavilion after smoking marijuana.  
• Brian is from Minnesota.  He was Jeff’s roommate in college.
• Ralph and Diane are married.  He is a physician’s assistant
• Elan is from Columbia and Murielle is from Argentina.  They have been married for ten years.  Elan is a web designer and Murielle is a criminal court reporter.
• Jeff is a municipal engineer from Los Angeles.  
• Jan is from Germany and is an environmental engineer.  Got to see a bear from chairlift. 
• Peter is from Budapest, Hungary
• Vanessa and Tracey are from England.  I assume that they are sisters.  You have to give up all of your vanities on a trip like this and Tracey took off her wig when she went to bathe in a river.  I didn’t know her well enough to ask what happened but she had a scar that went around the circumference of the back of her head and I guessed that she had brain surgery. 
• Joseph is Asian and has an autistic son.  His wife stayed home with their son so that Joseph could take a much needed break. 
• Cheryl is a special education teacher who works with Downs and Autistic students
• Jorge is a firefighter from San Francisco.
• Gary is a psychiatric nurse from the UK.
• Gwen is 72 years old, a retired teacher who had completed a one year program with the Rhodes Scholars and had taught in Kyrgyzstan.  Carried two buckets of water 
• Pi-Yun is 72 and moved to the US from Taiwan is 1972.  Low talking criticism of fellow travelers.  Got up early to walk before others woke up.  Bad attitude.  Face like a sphincter 
• Erica traveled throughout SE Asia and got an elephant tattoo on both arms to commemorate her journey.  She has been divorced for 14 years.  Gay?  Really cool  
• Donna is a teacher who traveled throughout SE Asia.  Gay?  Paid for own marriage
• Russ and Cindy are expats who live in La Paz, Mexico.  They are both retired and have lived in Kansas City and Austin.  Cindy was a training specialist from Apple and Russ is a retired real estate lawyer.
• Maria is an Asian woman from the Bay Area.  She is an engineer with a 22 year old son and was originally from Taiwan.
• Seth and Paige.  Seth had been a competitive fencer who had been to the Worlds and the Olympics and is currently a coach for the sport.  Paige had been a principal.  Seth is a Lieutenant  Colonel in the Air Force and the couple makes their living by renting Air BnB’s together in Denver.  
• ChiHero is Japanese and a nurse.  She is always in a good mood and is always laughing.  Pi-Yun accused her of faking it.  
• Savannah lives in Portland and is a cake decorator with Meier.  She spent the down time listening to music and drawing in her artists’ notebook.  
• On their first night out, Paige was only able to get three hours of sleep.  Clearly she was exhausted and she nestled up next to Seth and they napped together throughout the day.  It was nice to see a couple, both of whom were obviously strong people, let their guard down and rely on each other to get through the ordeal.
• Seth and Paige thought that I was stupid for signing up on a camping trip when I had never done any camping.  I explained to them about the 4th Kentucky and sleeping on the ground campaign style.  If I could take that then I could do tent camping

3. Even though we have a bathroom onboard, there will be no pooping or peeing on the bus. Human

waste changes the chemical compound in the port-a-potty so it is better if we don’t use it. Besides, if the port-a-potty becomes full then we have to find a place to drain it and that is sometimes not possible in the backwoods of Canada.

4. Rate your need to pee from one to ten. A “one” is when you have just peed and your bladder is empty. A “ten” is when you have just peed in your pants. Tell Amber or Lyle when your pee rating is a seven so that they can find a place to pull over. A “seven” means that you have at least fifteen minutes before you have to empty your bladder. You don’t go from a seven to a ten in fifteen minutes so don’t expect for the bus to immediately pull over when you announce that you are a “seven.”

5. Pitch in whenever you can, whenever you see the need. For example, do the dishes or load the bus or fetch the water

6. Be flexible and open to new experiences.

7. No shoes on in the pit. If the mattresses get dirty or wet then they will remain dirty or wet for the

whole trip and nobody wants that.

Why did I take the Green Tortoise Tour?

1. There are new are different problems. Instead of thinking about my sister and my niece dying, I

can concentrate on setting up camp or going for a long hike.

2. New people who were different from me. The teachers at Sacred Heart, the people at 1400

Willow, and the members at Milestone have a tendency to be tight assed. I want to interact with a

different type of person

3. I am low maintenance so I don’t care what I eat, where I sleep, or what we do. I took it one day at

a time and was determined not to plan ahead. It is just another example of mind over matter; using

self-discipline and patience, I should be able to endure the trip with no problems/

4. Half of the fun is to figure out the puzzle, to put all of the pieces together. How does the bus

work, what are the names and occupations of the people and how will they get along with each

other.

5. I wanted to slow down and enjoy the experience. I just took a train from Phoenix to San Antonio,

for example, but didn’t feel like I had done either city justice. A bus trip would force me to spend

more time in each place and make me appreciate the places where we had passed through.

6. Now I have something to write about.

Welcome Surprises

1. I slept well at night, wedging myself into a compartment above the pit and the seats. There was no

room to maneuver, so I had to sleep perfectly still, but I was warm and safe and dry. Also, I carried an old iPod with me and listened to recorded episodes of NPR. The constant drone of voices blocked out the chit-chatting from the other passengers.

2. Everyone was nervous at first and were on his and her best behavior. The last thing that you wanted to do was to offend someone on the fourth day and they give you the stink eye for the rest of the trip.

3. It was a really nice coach bus. After looking at the pictures on Facebook, I was expecting an old and worn out bus.

4. About half of the passengers were from foreign countries and that made conversation really interesting.

5. My first impression of the interior of the bus was that of the pit, which was a big and open area at the back. It was like one big couch where everyone could recline and relax.

6. I packed really well; not too much and I didn’t forget anything.

The People

1. This trip seemed to bring the couples closer together because they share the hardships. I noticed

that Russ brought Cindy her breakfast. Paige and Seth played together by pretending to fence. Elan and Murielle were always asking each other if they needed anything or wanted any help. It was nice to see the married people getting along so well.

2. Lyle and Amber run the show. Lyle had been traveling with The Tortoise since he was six, or for fifty years. Amber was hired on as a guide when she was 20.

3. Scotty G had a Louis Vuitton bag, which one would never expect on a bus tour, and wild hair. He is a hair dresser for a living; divorced with three girls from his marriage.

4. Eileen is an art teacher, divorced, and very outgoing. She had to stay in close proximity to a phone because her mother is very sick.

5. Brian is from Minnesota. He was Jeff’s roommate in college.

6. Ralph and Diane are married. He is a physician’s assistant

7. Elan is from Columbia and Murielle is from Argentina. They have been married for ten years.

Elan is a web designer and Murielle is a criminal court reporter. .

8. Jeff is a municipal engineer from Los Angeles.

9. Jan is from Germany and is an environmental engineer.

10. Peter is from Budapest, Hungary

11. Vanessa and Tracey are from England. I assume that they are sisters. You have to give up all of

your vanities on a trip like this and Tracey took off her wig when she went to bathe in a river. I didn’t know her well enough to ask what happened but she had a scar that went around the circumference of the back of her head and I guessed that she had brain surgery.

12. Joseph is Asian and has an autistic son. His wife stayed home with their son so that Joseph could take a much needed break.

13. Cheryl is a special education teacher who works with Downs and Autistic students

14. Jorge is a firefighter from San Francisco.

15. Gary is a psychiatric nurse from the UK.

16. Gwen is 72 years old, a retired teacher who had completed a one year program with the Rhodes

Scholars and had taught in Kyrgyzstan.

17. Pi-Yun is 72 and moved to the US from Taiwan is 1972.

18. Erica traveled throughout SE Asia and got an elephant tattoo on both arms to commemorate her

journey. She has been divorced for 14 years.

19. Donna is a teacher who traveled throughout SE Asia

20. Russ and Cindy are expats who live in La Paz, Mexico. They are both retired and have lived in

Kansas City and Austin. Cindy was a training specialist from Apple and Russ is a retired real

estate lawyer.

21. Maria is an Asian woman from the Bay Area. She is an engineer with a 22 year old son and was

originally from Taiwan.

22. Seth and Paige. Seth had been a competitive fencer who had been to the Worlds and the Olympics

and is currently a coach for the sport. Paige had been a principal. Seth is a Lieutenant Colonel in

the Air Force and the couple makes their living by renting Air BnB’s together in Denver.

23. ChiHero is Japanese and a nurse. She is always in a good mood and is always laughing

24. Savannah lives in Portland and is a cake decorator with Meier. She spent the down time listening

to music and drawing in her artists’ notebook.

25. On their first night out, Paige was only able to get three hours of sleep. Clearly she was exhausted

and she nestled up next to Seth and they napped together throughout the day. It was nice to see a couple, both of whom were obviously strong people, let their guard down and rely on each other to get through the ordeal.

. Chapter 6 Section 1: Hostel for “The Turtle Tour”
• Start with San Francisco.  Stay at hostel.  Combine it with the hostel in Seattle
• Initial meeting on the street in San Francisco. 
• Include Banff.  The one good day 

Chapter 6 Section 2: Quotes for “The Turtle Tour”
• You had to like Scotty G if for no other reason than he was completely honest.  For example, when we all first met each other outside of the TransAmerica building in San Francisco, he said, “We are all trying to to size each other up.”
• Scotty G named his dog “Sober” because “you put all of your shit on your dog.”
• Scotty G said, without provocation, that “I am not an onion.  I am an artichoke!  When you peel off my layers you will find a heart!”  I thought to myself that I will use that line for the rest of my life.
• Scotty G would suddenly check out and meditate.  It was his way of checking out and escaping from the mundanities of the life on the bus.
• I bought a bottle of Jim Beam, mostly to use as a prop, because the Kentucky boy should always have a bottle of bourbon.  Next store to the liquor store was a cannabis shop and I asked for a low grade sample of marijuana because I didn’t want to get sick.  When Scotty G saw my bottle of Jim bean on the counter while I was asking for weak weed, he said “that is like trying to kill yourself but not wanting to use an AK-47 to do it.”
• Savannah said that her mother allowed her to go on the Green Tortoise Tour because, “As long as I don’t sell my body or take drugs, I can do whatever I want!”
• Jeff F said, “Gary, I don’t know anything about you.  Tell me about yourself.”  To which Gary answered, “Well, the first thing that you should know about me is that I am very handsome.”
• Erica said that I have cadaver feet because they are white while the rest of my leg are tan.
• Russ said “Does there come a time on this trip when people don’t talk so much?  My ears are getting tired.”
• When asked why he became a firefighter, Jorge’s pat answer is “because I was a boy with a penis.”  That meant that all red blooded American boys dream of becoming a fireman some day.
• Lyle said that “One of my most important jobs is rumor control.”  I didn’t hear any rumors and then it hit me that the rumors were probably about me.  I hoped that the rumors were about me hooking up with 19 year old Savannah but more likely they were about the blood clot in my left leg.
• Eileen threw up twice, once in the bus and another time in the common eating area.  There are procedures for this sort of thing that were ignored by The Tortoise.  In fact, I had pointed out that Eileen was sick to Amber to let her know that a member of the group was puking.  Later on, Amber said that “if you see a problem, don’t point it out to me.  Do what you can to solve the problem without me.”  My thought was that with a lot of people walking through the puke were getting germs all over their shoes and that is a good way to get a bus load of people sick.  
• Donna had been on “The Tortoise” before and said that this was the most laid back group ever.  Because it cost so much, the people are a lot older than a typical Tortoise tour.
• I said, “I think that The Tortoise brings couples together because they have to share the hardships of the trip.”  Donna replied, “I”ve never seen married couple together who are happy.  It is nice to see that it can happen.”  There was some nervous laughter at this outward sign of honesty.  “I am serious!,” replied Donna, who wanted to relieve the uncomfortable moment.
• As I was telling the story of taking a shower in what was basically a horse stall in the middle of a barn, the only thing that was securing my privacy was a thin shower curtain.  It wasn’t secure and, as I told the others on the tour, “one good breeze and the shower curtain would be whooshed away and the surprise would be over” in terms of my private parts.

Chapter 6 Section 3: The Mistake that was “The Turtle Tour”
• I was most concerned with sharing a month long trip with a bunch of strangers
• I was worried about sleeping outside, in a tent, and fighting off the mosquitoes.  I can handle a lot of thing but sleep deprivation is not one of them.
• I was worried about the length of the trip.  I had signed on for a month but just made it past one week.  
• I recognized that I am my own worst enemy on a trip like this.  Still, I felt like I had to do it while I was still young enough and strong enough to endure a rough trip.
• I thought that it was going to be a bunch of frat boys but, as it turned out, the people on the trip were pretty great.
• My thought was that the best thing that I could do was to just throw myself into the experience.  If worst came to worst then I could bail out at Juneau or someplace else.
• I have done the luxury cruise ships and wanted to try something different.
• There was no promise of a shower and, if a shower was available, there was no promise of hot water.  I thought that it wouldn’t be a problem for me to go for days without a shower and, because I am not a picky eater, I could eat whatever was served by the camp fire for breakfast and dinner.
• There were no mirrors.  I have bad skin and didn’t know if I had any whiteheads so I was a little self conscious when I talked to people.
• There was almost no personal space.  I had to get used to being around a lot of people, who apparently did not have to go through a background check, all day long.  People napped next to each other throughout the day in the pit
• No one there was going to miss me.  I lifted right out.  

Chapter 6 Section 4: Rules for “The Turtle Tour”
• No homesteading.  You cannot call your place and expect to live there for four weeks
• Respect the “Tortoise Orbit.”  There is storage space above the seats in the compartments but, since people like to sleep up there, the backpacks and other luggage may be moved without notice.  It is a reminder that there is no personal space and that your stuff maybe moved without your consent or notification.  Cheryl didn’t like it when I moved her stuff.
• Even though we have a bathroom onboard, there will be no pooping or peeing on the bus.  Human waste changes the chemical compound in the port-a-potty so it is better if we don’t use it.  Besides, if the port-a-potty becomes full then we have to find a place to drain it and that is sometimes not possible in the backwoods of Canada.
• Rate your need to pee from one to ten.  A “one” is when you have just peed and your bladder is empty.  A “ten” is when you have just peed in your pants.  Tell Amber or Lyle when your pee rating is a seven so that they can find a place to pull over.  A “seven” means that you have at least fifteen minutes before you have to empty your bladder.  You don’t go from a seven to a ten in fifteen minutes so don’t expect for the bus to immediately pull over when you announce that you are a “seven.”  Muriel suffered
• Pitch in whenever you can, whenever you see the need.  For example, do the dishes or load the bus or fetch the water
• Be flexible and open to new experiences.
• No shoes on in the pit.  If the mattresses get dirty or wet then they will remain dirty or wet for the whole trip and nobody wants that.

Chapter 6 Section 5: Why did I take a take “The Turtle Tour”
• There are new are different problems.  Instead of thinking about my sister and my niece dying, I can concentrate on setting up camp or going for a long hike.
• New people who were different from me.  The teachers at Sacred Heart, the people at 1400 Willow, and the members at Milestone have a tendency to be tight assed.  I want to interact with a different type of person
• I am low maintenance so I don’t care what I eat, where I sleep, or what we do.  I took it one day at a time and was determined not to plan ahead.  It is just another example of mind over matter; using self-discipline and patience, I should be able to endure the trip with no problems/
• Half of the fun is to figure out the puzzle, to put all of the pieces together.  How does the bus work, what are the names and occupations of the people and how will they get along with each other.
• I wanted to slow down and enjoy the experience.  I just took a train from Phoenix to San Antonio, for example, but didn’t feel like I had done either city justice.  A bus trip would force me to spend more time in each place and make me appreciate the places where we had passed through.  
• Now I have something to write about. This will be my fifth book
• Missed opportunities.

Chapter 6 Section 6: Welcome Surprises for “The Turtle Tour”
• I slept well at night, wedging myself into a compartment above the pit and the seats.  There was no room to maneuver, so I had to sleep perfectly still, but I was warm and safe and dry.  Also, I carried an old iPod with me and listened to recorded episodes of NPR.  The constant drone of voices blocked out the chit-chatting from the other passengers.
• Everyone was nervous at first and were on his and her best behavior.  The last thing that you wanted to do was to offend someone on the fourth day and they give you the stink eye for the rest of the trip.
• It was a really nice coach bus.  After looking at the pictures on Facebook, I was expecting an old and worn out bus.
• About half of the passengers were from foreign countries and that made conversation really interesting.
• My first impression of the interior of the bus was that of the pit, which was a big and open area at the back.  It was like one big couch where everyone could recline and relax.
• I packed really well; not too much and I didn’t forget anything.

Chapter 6 Section 7: Cast for “The Turtle Tour”
• This trip seemed to bring the couples closer together because they share the hardships.  I noticed that Russ brought Cindy her breakfast.  Paige and Seth played together by pretending to fence.  
• Elan and Murielle were always asking each other if they needed anything or wanted any help.  It was nice to see the married people getting along so well.  Brought along their own special food
• Lyle and Amber run the show.  Lyle had been traveling with The Tortoise since he was six, or for fifty years.  Amber was hired on as a guide when she was 20. 
• Scotty G had a Louis Vuitton bag, which one would never expect on a bus tour, and wild hair.  He is a hair dresser for a living; divorced with three girls from his marriage.
• Eileen is an art teacher, divorced, and very outgoing.  She had to stay in close proximity to a phone because her mother is very sick.  Threw up in middle of pavilion after smoking marijuana.  
• Brian is from Minnesota.  He was Jeff’s roommate in college.
• Ralph and Diane are married.  He is a physician’s assistant
• Elan is from Columbia and Murielle is from Argentina.  They have been married for ten years.  Elan is a web designer and Murielle is a criminal court reporter.
• Jeff is a municipal engineer from Los Angeles.  
• Jan is from Germany and is an environmental engineer.  Got to see a bear from chairlift. 
• Peter is from Budapest, Hungary
• Vanessa and Tracey are from England.  I assume that they are sisters.  You have to give up all of your vanities on a trip like this and Tracey took off her wig when she went to bathe in a river.  I didn’t know her well enough to ask what happened but she had a scar that went around the circumference of the back of her head and I guessed that she had brain surgery. 
• Joseph is Asian and has an autistic son.  His wife stayed home with their son so that Joseph could take a much needed break. 
• Cheryl is a special education teacher who works with Downs and Autistic students
• Jorge is a firefighter from San Francisco.
• Gary is a psychiatric nurse from the UK.
• Gwen is 72 years old, a retired teacher who had completed a one year program with the Rhodes Scholars and had taught in Kyrgyzstan.  Carried two buckets of water 
• Pi-Yun is 72 and moved to the US from Taiwan is 1972.  Low talking criticism of fellow travelers.  Got up early to walk before others woke up.  Bad attitude.  Face like a sphincter 
• Erica traveled throughout SE Asia and got an elephant tattoo on both arms to commemorate her journey.  She has been divorced for 14 years.  Gay?  Really cool  
• Donna is a teacher who traveled throughout SE Asia.  Gay?  Paid for own marriage
• Russ and Cindy are expats who live in La Paz, Mexico.  They are both retired and have lived in Kansas City and Austin.  Cindy was a training specialist from Apple and Russ is a retired real estate lawyer.
• Maria is an Asian woman from the Bay Area.  She is an engineer with a 22 year old son and was originally from Taiwan.
• Seth and Paige.  Seth had been a competitive fencer who had been to the Worlds and the Olympics and is currently a coach for the sport.  Paige had been a principal.  Seth is a Lieutenant  Colonel in the Air Force and the couple makes their living by renting Air BnB’s together in Denver.  
• ChiHero is Japanese and a nurse.  She is always in a good mood and is always laughing.  Pi-Yun accused her of faking it.  
• Savannah lives in Portland and is a cake decorator with Meier.  She spent the down time listening to music and drawing in her artists’ notebook.  
• On their first night out, Paige was only able to get three hours of sleep.  Clearly she was exhausted and she nestled up next to Seth and they napped together throughout the day.  It was nice to see a couple, both of whom were obviously strong people, let their guard down and rely on each other to get through the ordeal.
• Seth and Paige thought that I was stupid for signing up on a camping trip when I had never done any camping.  I explained to them about the 4th Kentucky and sleeping on the ground campaign style.  If I could take that then I could do tent camping

South West Tour

 I got up early to drive myself to the airport and arrived in Phoenix before 11:00. TripAdvisor is the site that I use to plan my vacations and it recommended that I visit Old Town in Scottsdale. So I took an Uber to the tourist attraction and found nothing but kitsch. Fortunately, TripAdvisor directed me to the Scottsdale Museum of the West. I paid my twenty dollars and got there just in time to join the tour of the modern art of the West. It was totally worth my time and attention and, once it was over, I languished around the museum until it was time to meet my cousin for dinner.

The second city in my South West Tour was San Antonio. I got up early to explore the River Walk before the tourists arrived and the walk was amazing. Usually cities oversell their tourist attractions but the River Walk exceeded all expectations. The walk stretches over fifteen miles, is beautifully adorned with foliage, and there is artwork displayed throughout the walk. I took a lot of pictures and immediately posted them on Facebook because the morning sun on the River Walk made all of downtown San Antonio look amazing.

I took a Segway tour of San Antonio with the idea that I could revisit the places that I found interesting. And that worked. I went back to the Alamo, for example, where I took some great pictures of the mission and the statues celebrating the heroes that died there. Market Square looked like one big party so, for my last stop of the day, I had a beer and listened to the band while the artists next to me were selling their wares. It was the end of a perfect day.

Why do I continue to take these brutal trips? Saturday and Monday were transit days so I spent the whole day either on Amtrak or in the air. The short answer as to why I do these trips is that I can hear the clock ticking Tick, Tick, Ticking in the back of my brain. My sister died at age 63, my father at age 73, and my mother at age 83. Tick, Tick, Tick. It is all in the numbers. My niece died six weeks ago, my sister six months ago, my mother six years ago, and my father sixteen years ago. Tick, Tick, Tick. As with Alice and her wonderful trip to Wonderland, there is a black cloud that is always chasing me; always behind me. Tick. Tick Tick. I am sick of the old memories and want nothing more than to be able to forget my past. In three weeks I will join the Green Tortoise Tours for a bus trip from San Francisco to Fairbanks Alaska just to have a new adventure. I have to do this while I am young enough and strong enough to endure a five week bus tour. Maybe I can distract myself from the black cloud that has been chasing me for all of these years.

COVID Overseas

    My physical problems turned out to be a big part of my overseas trip.  After a hard day of touring in Egypt, for example, I had no energy once we returned to the cruise ship.  My ankles, knees, and hips hurt from all of the walking that we did, and I am in pretty good shape.  I felt sick for most of the trip with a low grade fever, constipation, and difficulty sleeping.  Some of the illness was self-inflicted, like when I ate too many eggs for breakfast.  It felt like someone had my heart in the palm of their hand and they were squeezing hard.  At time, it felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest, especially when I laid down on my side.  Once I had adjusted my diet, however, I recovered quickly.

   My wife and I had two vaccination shots and then a booster shot on top of that, so you can imagine our surprise when we both tested positive for COVID while in Israel.  She got it first and was put into quarantine for seven days.  We were supposed to fly home together but when I tested positive ten days later, I had to put Tracey in a cab and let her take the flight all by herself.  Now I faced a seven day quarantine and had to isolate myself in my hotel room.  The way that I dealt with isolation was to give up caffeine and alcohol in the hope that I could maintain low energy.  This led to constant headaches; it felt like someone was using a pick axe to break out of my brain from the inside of my head.  Also, I gave up eating lunch and dinner.  It wasn’t much of a sacrifice because I was never hungry anyway but I lost fifteen pounds because of my poor eating habits.

   After the first two days thing took a turn for the worse.  Because I was so sick, and was coughing continuously, I only slept sporadically through the night.  If I sat in a chair and propped myself up with pillows then I could breathe without coughing and could sleep for two or three hours at a time.  Days and nights had no meaning as my only goal was to get some sleep but I was coughing so hard that I was literally spitting up blood.  The only two highlights that I had during my day was getting a call from my wife and having room service deliver my breakfast.  After six days my fever finally broke.  I had been having night sweats and my lasting impression of my time in quarantine was my sheets drenched in sweat and mildewing because housekeeping wasn’t allowed in to service my room.

Israel

 Israel Day 1, Thursday March 3

This was a transit day and filled with the stress of flying from one foreign city to another. As we were waiting for our group to gather in the main hall of the Tel-Aviv airport, Danny, one of the passengers who shared the Danube cruise with us, turned to me and said, “This is just like the West!”  What he meant was that, unlike Cairo, everything in Cairo was sleek and modern.   The David Ben-Gurion Airport was luxurious, well maintained, and there was an order to it that a casual visitor could make sense of. The buses were brand new, electric, and put to shame almost any public transportation vehicle that we have in the U.S.  

Unlike Cairo, there were street signs that people actually obeyed and streets crossings that made the pedestrians feel safe. The high rise buildings in Cairo looked like a combination of the Cabrini-Green social experiment in Chicago and the Soviet era austere, but functional, public buildings that we saw in Eastern Europe.  Either by family tradition or inattention, the tall buildings in Cairo were either abandoned or neglected. In a sharp contrast, the average condo in Jerusalem goes for $700,000 and there is always a shortage of housing.

Israel Day 2, Friday March 4:

We started off at the Israel Museum to see a scale model of Jerusalem at the time of when Jesus was crucified.  This helped a lot because it put the whole Old City into an easily digestible nugget. Next up was the Holocaust Museum, which was done very well but, since I taught a whole semester class on the Holocaust, there weren’t any new images or ideas left to shock me. Finally, we saw the Dome of the Rock on to of the Western (Wailing) Wall.  It was one of the few times that I lost my breath on this trip because, even though I had seen it on the news and in textbooks, you really have to see it in person to get the whole scene in your head. 

Surprises on vacation are usually not welcome and, when I opened my email at 5:00 am, we learned that Tracey failed her COVID test. She stayed in the hotel room while I went on the tour because I was sure that she had a false positive. We had a doctor come to the hotel to give her a second test and it was positive as well. My hope was that Tracey could rejoin the tour when she tested negative and all of the air went out of my balloon when I slowly began to realize that she would not be joining us. I really didn’t want to do any of the tours without her and determined to stay by her side for the rest of her quarantine  

Israel Day 3, March 10

Tracey and I sprang for a private tour of the Old City.  I’m quick succession, our guide took us to the room where the Last Supper occurred, King David’s Tomb, and the Western Wall.  We’re were at the wall on a day where the authorities allowed the Jewish boys to celebrate their Bar Mitzvah.  It was quite a celebration with a lot of dancing, bells, whistles, and drums.  One boy held a Torah encased in a silver container and the box was almost as big as he was. 

The major event of the day was to walk the Via Dolorosa, which contains the Stations of the Cross.  At Station 7, Tracey was able to put her hand at the exact place where Jesus put his hand on the wall for support.  She cried several times during the day but this was the first time where she became overwhelmed. 

The Church of the Holy Sepulcher contains the last 5 stations of the cross under one roof.  Tracey was able to put her hands on the block of marble where Jesus’ body was washed after he died.  Then she touched the rock upon which the cross stood.  Finally, she felt Jesus’ tomb.  It was an inspiring day; one of which many true believers dream of. 

Israel Day 4, March 11

We paid for a private tour of Bethlehem.  Our first stop was at the Shepherd’s Garden, where Gabrielle descends from heaven to tell the shepherds of Jesus’ birth.

The Church of the Nativity has a Greek Orthodox Church on the main floor. The basement has an enclave with a hole in the floor. Put your hand in the hole to touch the exact place where Jesus was born. There were false walls up everywhere but there were holes in the walls where you could touch the original cave walls.

Egypt and Israel Non Sequitur

+  “Nothing to see here!  Just cruising down the Nile, through Aswan, on a luxury cruise ship in Egypt.”  This was the constant thought that I had as we sailed the Nile, or visited Jesus’ tomb, or did anything extraordinary. 

+  “You only see it now, when it is one sided, but trust me, we have an equal partnership. My wife gives me purpose.”  Our fellow passengers were trying to figure out the relationship between Tracey and me. If anyone were to treat me as some sort of martyr for standing by Tracey, my standard reply is “She gives me purpose!”

+ Tracey got down on her hands and knees and cried as she touched the place where Jesus was born and where he was crucified.  She cried again when she touched the place where Jesus was born. I told her to let it all out because I need to see her reaction in order for me to get excited by all of these places. 

+ A not never well known fact is that there were over 70 million mummies. There were so many mummies that they were used as cordwood. Our guide explained that they were cheap and they burned for a really long time. 

+ “I am not your brother.”  An old and angry Palestinian cab driver said this to me after I paid him and said “Keep the change, brother.”  It was one of the few times that I felt prejudiced against for being an American. 

+ “Three dollars!  That’s just 20 sheckles”. I told this guy that I didn’t want a guide and that I didn’t have any money. He insisted, led us around for a couple of blocks, and was upset at the small tip after I told him that I didn’t have any cash.  

+  Raj, our guide in Bethlehem, said “I have two boys. They make me miserable.”  He didn’t crack a smile and wasn’t trying to be funny or ironic.  We were just trying to get to know him but it was clear that he didn’t want to talk about his family. 

+ Raj said “We all look alike!”  “You all look alike!”  Raj was angry because a Chinese man said that all of the Arabs look alike. Raj said “I learned the name of one person in the group, a name that I could pronounce, and then called them all by the same name!”