Green Tortoise Tour

 Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it for me. I’ve enjoyed my time on the bus and it has been a pleasure getting to know you. If you want to stay connected then Google me at Jeff Frazier in Louisville, Kentucky. I’ll pop right up.” These were the final words that I spoke to the Green Tortoise Tours. It was all a bluff as, in the inside, I was thinking, “Thank God that is over. Clearly it was a mistake!” I was more than ready to return to my life in the gilded bubble that is 1400 Willow.

When Tracey and I flew to Egypt, I developed a blood clot in my left leg. It didn’t inhibit me at all but everyone on the tour was telling me how bad my leg looked. It blew up to twice its normal size because of the ride in the airplane, three days straight on the bus, and the hiking. Ralph was a physician’s assistant and he said that an infection may have set it. Lyle said that I couldn’t go on unless I had a doctor check it out. I kept telling them that I had been to the hospital twice to have a sonogram and had been to see my doctor twice right before the trip and she cleared me. That wasn’t good enough so my choice was to fly home or be harassed about hiking, when that was our singular activity. The leg wasn’t going to get better as long as I was on the bus, or was hiking, so I left for Calgary that same day and then flew back to Louisville.

Given the chance, I don’t know if I would have done anything differently. My leg was down to normal size before I left and Dr. Tsai had cleared me. Still, when everyone is telling you how bad your leg looks, you should probably pay attention to them. If you ignore the advice from all of your colleagues then you might have to answer the question of, “How far from the pack have you strayed?”

I feel lucky to get away unscathed. Lyle said that we were about to leave Banff and there were no hospitals or any immediate care units until we reached Juneau, which was a week away. If the blood clot passed into my heart or brain then I would have to take a helicopter out of the wilderness. My thought was that he could have said the same thing about any of the passengers, especially the two seventy two year old women who were in the bus. We were sleeping in the cold and wet weather and anyone of us could have developed pneumonia.

I told Lyle that there were no hard feelings. I got out of the trip what I wanted to get out of it and the experience wasn’t going to get any better by stretching it out for another three weeks. In effect, Lyle offered me a way out of a trip that offered me little but frustration, so I grabbed onto the excuse with both hands and abruptly left

Quotes:

1. You had to like Scotty G if for no other reason than he was completely honest. For example, when

we all first met each other outside of the TransAmerica building in San Francisco, he said, “We

are all trying to to size each other up.”

2. Scotty G named his dog “Sober” because “you put all of your shit on your dog.”

3. Scotty G said, without provocation, that “I am not an onion. I am an artichoke! When you peel

off my layers you will find a heart!” I thought to myself that I will use that line for the rest of my

life.

4. Scotty G would suddenly check out and meditate. It was his way of checking out and escaping

from the mundanities of the life on the bus.

5. I bought a bottle of Jim Beam, mostly to use as a prop, because the Kentucky boy should always

have a bottle of bourbon. Next store to the liquor store was a cannabis shop and I asked for a low grade sample of marijuana because I didn’t want to get sick. When Scotty G saw my bottle of Jim bean on the counter while I was asking for weak weed, he said “that is like trying to kill yourself but not wanting to use an AK-47 to do it.”

6. Savannah said that her mother allowed her to go on the Green Tortoise Tour because, “As long as I don’t sell my body or take drugs, I can do whatever I want!”

7. Jeff F said, “Gary, I don’t know anything about you. Tell me about yourself.” To which Gary answered, “Well, the first thing that you should know about me is that I am very handsome.”

8. Erica said that I have cadaver feet because they are white while the rest of my leg are tan.

9. Russ said “Does there come a time on this trip when people don’t talk so much? My ears are getting tired.”

10. When asked why he became a firefighter, Jorge’s pat answer is “because I was a boy with a penis.” That meant that all red blooded American boys dream of becoming a fireman some day.

11. Lyle said that “One of my most important jobs is rumor control.” I didn’t hear any rumors and then it hit me that the rumors were probably about me. I hoped that the rumors were about me hooking up with 19 year old Savannah but more likely they were about the blood clot in my left leg.

12. Eileen threw up twice, once in the bus and another time in the common eating area. There are procedures for this sort of thing that were ignored by The Tortoise. In fact, I had pointed out that Eileen was sick to Amber to let her know that a member of the group was puking. Later on, Amber said that “if you see a problem, don’t point it out to me. Do what you can to solve the problem without me.” My thought was that with a lot of people walking through the puke were getting germs all over their shoes and that is a good way to get a bus load of people sick.

13. Donna had been on “The Tortoise” before and said that this was the most laid back group ever. Because it cost so much, the people are a lot older than a typical Tortoise tour.

14. I said, “I think that The Tortoise brings couples together because they have to share the hardships of the trip.” Donna replied, “I”ve never seen married couple together who are happy. It is nice to see that it can happen.” There was some nervous laughter at this outward sign of honesty. “I am serious!,” replied Donna, who wanted to relieve the uncomfortable moment.

This trip has “mistake” written all over it.

1. I was most concerned with sharing a month long trip with a bunch of strangers

2. I was worried about sleeping outside, in a tent, and fighting off the mosquitoes. I can handle a lot

of thing but sleep deprivation is not one of them.

3. I was worried about the length of the trip. I had signed on for a month but just made it past one

week.

4. I recognized that I am my own worst enemy on a trip like this. Still, I felt like I had to do it while

I was still young enough and strong enough to endure a rough trip.

5. I thought that it was going to be a bunch of frat boys but, as it turned out, the people on the trip

were pretty great.

6. My thought was that the best thing that I could do was to just throw myself into the experience. If

worst cam to worst then I could bail out at Juneau or someplace else.

7. I have done the luxury cruise ships and wanted to try something different.

8. There was no promise of a shower and, if a shower was available, there was no promise of hot

water. I thought that it wouldn’t be a problem for me to go for days without a shower and, because I am not a picky eater, I could eat whatever was served by the camp fire for breakfast and dinner.

9. There were no mirrors. I have bad skin and didn’t know if I had any whiteheads so I was a little self conscious when I talked to people.

10. There was almost no personal space. I had to get used to being around a lot of people, who apparently did not have to go through a background check, all day long. People napped next to each other throughout the day in the pit.

Rules of the Green Tortoise

1. No homesteading. You cannot call your place and expect to live there for four weeks

2. Respect the “Tortoise Orbit.” There is storage space above the seats in the compartments but,

since people like to sleep up there, the backpacks and other luggage may be moved without notice. It is a reminder that there is no personal space and that your stuff maybe moved without your

consent or notification.

3. Even though we have a bathroom onboard, there will be no pooping or peeing on the bus. Human

waste changes the chemical compound in the port-a-potty so it is better if we don’t use it. Besides, if the port-a-potty becomes full then we have to find a place to drain it and that is sometimes not possible in the backwoods of Canada.

4. Rate your need to pee from one to ten. A “one” is when you have just peed and your bladder is empty. A “ten” is when you have just peed in your pants. Tell Amber or Lyle when your pee rating is a seven so that they can find a place to pull over. A “seven” means that you have at least fifteen minutes before you have to empty your bladder. You don’t go from a seven to a ten in fifteen minutes so don’t expect for the bus to immediately pull over when you announce that you are a “seven.”

5. Pitch in whenever you can, whenever you see the need. For example, do the dishes or load the bus or fetch the water

6. Be flexible and open to new experiences.

7. No shoes on in the pit. If the mattresses get dirty or wet then they will remain dirty or wet for the

whole trip and nobody wants that.

Why did I take the Green Tortoise Tour?

1. There are new are different problems. Instead of thinking about my sister and my niece dying, I

can concentrate on setting up camp or going for a long hike.

2. New people who were different from me. The teachers at Sacred Heart, the people at 1400

Willow, and the members at Milestone have a tendency to be tight assed. I want to interact with a

different type of person

3. I am low maintenance so I don’t care what I eat, where I sleep, or what we do. I took it one day at

a time and was determined not to plan ahead. It is just another example of mind over matter; using

self-discipline and patience, I should be able to endure the trip with no problems/

4. Half of the fun is to figure out the puzzle, to put all of the pieces together. How does the bus

work, what are the names and occupations of the people and how will they get along with each

other.

5. I wanted to slow down and enjoy the experience. I just took a train from Phoenix to San Antonio,

for example, but didn’t feel like I had done either city justice. A bus trip would force me to spend

more time in each place and make me appreciate the places where we had passed through.

6. Now I have something to write about.

Welcome Surprises

1. I slept well at night, wedging myself into a compartment above the pit and the seats. There was no

room to maneuver, so I had to sleep perfectly still, but I was warm and safe and dry. Also, I carried an old iPod with me and listened to recorded episodes of NPR. The constant drone of voices blocked out the chit-chatting from the other passengers.

2. Everyone was nervous at first and were on his and her best behavior. The last thing that you wanted to do was to offend someone on the fourth day and they give you the stink eye for the rest of the trip.

3. It was a really nice coach bus. After looking at the pictures on Facebook, I was expecting an old and worn out bus.

4. About half of the passengers were from foreign countries and that made conversation really interesting.

5. My first impression of the interior of the bus was that of the pit, which was a big and open area at the back. It was like one big couch where everyone could recline and relax.

6. I packed really well; not too much and I didn’t forget anything.

The People

1. This trip seemed to bring the couples closer together because they share the hardships. I noticed

that Russ brought Cindy her breakfast. Paige and Seth played together by pretending to fence. Elan and Murielle were always asking each other if they needed anything or wanted any help. It was nice to see the married people getting along so well.

2. Lyle and Amber run the show. Lyle had been traveling with The Tortoise since he was six, or for fifty years. Amber was hired on as a guide when she was 20.

3. Scotty G had a Louis Vuitton bag, which one would never expect on a bus tour, and wild hair. He is a hair dresser for a living; divorced with three girls from his marriage.

4. Eileen is an art teacher, divorced, and very outgoing. She had to stay in close proximity to a phone because her mother is very sick.

5. Brian is from Minnesota. He was Jeff’s roommate in college.

6. Ralph and Diane are married. He is a physician’s assistant

7. Elan is from Columbia and Murielle is from Argentina. They have been married for ten years.

Elan is a web designer and Murielle is a criminal court reporter. .

8. Jeff is a municipal engineer from Los Angeles.

9. Jan is from Germany and is an environmental engineer.

10. Peter is from Budapest, Hungary

11. Vanessa and Tracey are from England. I assume that they are sisters. You have to give up all of

your vanities on a trip like this and Tracey took off her wig when she went to bathe in a river. I didn’t know her well enough to ask what happened but she had a scar that went around the circumference of the back of her head and I guessed that she had brain surgery.

12. Joseph is Asian and has an autistic son. His wife stayed home with their son so that Joseph could take a much needed break.

13. Cheryl is a special education teacher who works with Downs and Autistic students

14. Jorge is a firefighter from San Francisco.

15. Gary is a psychiatric nurse from the UK.

16. Gwen is 72 years old, a retired teacher who had completed a one year program with the Rhodes

Scholars and had taught in Kyrgyzstan.

17. Pi-Yun is 72 and moved to the US from Taiwan is 1972.

18. Erica traveled throughout SE Asia and got an elephant tattoo on both arms to commemorate her

journey. She has been divorced for 14 years.

19. Donna is a teacher who traveled throughout SE Asia

20. Russ and Cindy are expats who live in La Paz, Mexico. They are both retired and have lived in

Kansas City and Austin. Cindy was a training specialist from Apple and Russ is a retired real

estate lawyer.

21. Maria is an Asian woman from the Bay Area. She is an engineer with a 22 year old son and was

originally from Taiwan.

22. Seth and Paige. Seth had been a competitive fencer who had been to the Worlds and the Olympics

and is currently a coach for the sport. Paige had been a principal. Seth is a Lieutenant Colonel in

the Air Force and the couple makes their living by renting Air BnB’s together in Denver.

23. ChiHero is Japanese and a nurse. She is always in a good mood and is always laughing

24. Savannah lives in Portland and is a cake decorator with Meier. She spent the down time listening

to music and drawing in her artists’ notebook.

25. On their first night out, Paige was only able to get three hours of sleep. Clearly she was exhausted

and she nestled up next to Seth and they napped together throughout the day. It was nice to see a couple, both of whom were obviously strong people, let their guard down and rely on each other to get through the ordeal.