Epic Aruba

Tracey and I returned from our latest cruise on Sunday.  Our vacation was almost flawless in that it was the little things that went right for us, but we paid a price.  For example, we lined up to get off of our ship at about 8:30 on Sunday morning and yet our flight didn’t land in Louisville until midnight.  After sixteen hours of traveling, I didn’t want to do anything when we returned except for sleep.  It wasn’t just the fatigue; the changes in the barometric pressure made my nose bleed constantly and with all of the stress of travel, I had no energy at all.  Still, there were so many highlights to our cruise that the trip was worth it, which is good news since we intend on making a similar trip to Panama in February.

The quality of our excursions really depends on our guides, especially with Tracey’s handicap.  Ben Hoeck was our guide in Aruba and, since it was January 1st, our vehicle turned into a party bus.  The Puerto Ricans who shared the tour with us quickly tired of Ben’s narrative and began drinking beer and singing songs in Spanish.  Tracey sat up front with our guide and, in effect, had her own private tour because Ben gave up on trying to talk to our fellow passengers.  In Grenada, Philip was our guide, and we took a walking tour of the old fortress and the cathedral.  In 1983 a group of rebels were lined up and shot for fighting against the newly established dictatorship.  The highlight of our tour was when Philip showed us where the rebels were shot.  Finally, Kenville was our guide to St. Kitts.  We had a two and a half hour tour of the island and, once again, Tracey sat up front.  Kenville gave my wife a personal tour which was good because I didn’t see anything remarkable about the island and was glad that Tracey received a lot of interesting facts.

The only bad tour that we had was the one that didn’t happen.  We were in Bonaire and the lady who sold us our tickets told us to wait at her stand and she would eventually come back to pick us up.  This guide had such a great personality, and made the promise that Tracey could sit up front with her, that we paid cash up front and waited under her tent because it was a guaranteed good time.  We waited under her stand for a total of two hours before giving up on her.  The lady at the adjacent booth called the responsible company and we learned that our guide never returned because she had forgotten about us.  I don’t think that she did.  I think that we had become an inconvenience to the tour company and that she left us because we were easily disposed of.  My only solace is that this lady has to live with herself for leaving a helpless blind woman and her husband behind on a major tour.

We didn’t even get off of the ship at Barbados because we had been there before and had two remarkable excursions.  At St Marten and St Lucia, we did get off of the ship, but we decided that we would make our own tour rather than rely on the excursions sponsored by the ship.  When we walked around St Lucia my constant thought was “where are all of the white people at?” because none of our fellow 3,500 passengers chose to walk the streets with the locals.  On the other hand, it is difficult to walk in the Caribbean because, if there are sidewalks, then they are broken and uneven.  Usually there are drainage ditches off to the side and they can be up to two feet deep.  Add in the erratic traffic and a blind person has a hard time navigating the streets of the islands.  

On New Year’s Eve, as we were getting ready to go out to dinner, Tracey unexpectantly gave me a big hug to thank me for taking her on this trip.  The cruises are really for her because they give her complete freedom while we are on the ship.  For example, all of the floors are handicap accessible and every room had a Braille sign outside of its door.  A huge benefit offered to us by the Norwegian Cruise Line is that we were offered a ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act) room which is about twice the size of a regular cabin.  There are designated smoking areas where Tracey can easily find a place to take a cigarette break.  Finally, we both enjoy eating out and, while the meals at the standard restaurants were good, the specialty restaurants that serve Italian, French, and Japanese cuisine were spectacular.  We both had a great time and look forward to our next cruise on the NCL Joy which sails through Panama in February.

• We met Wilma, an 85 year old woman who has travelled to over 200 countries, on the ship.  Her former travel companion died at the age of 103 after traveling with Wilma for 20 years, so now she has a much younger woman helping her on her journeys.  Wilma had a lot of energy and a zest for life that I truly admired.
• A beautiful young woman dressed cute for her big day on St Martens when, while walking on a sidewalk, a passing car splashed her from a puddle that it had driven through.  That cute little mouth let loose a string of obscenities as she was drenched from her hip down to her ankle.  We heard her curse in Japanese but it didn’t take a Rhodes scholar to get her meaning.
• I like to show off my knowledge of geography so when one of our servers said that she was from the Philippines, I rattled off the three main islands from that island-nation.  When the server asked me if I was in the military, because who else would have that knowledge, I replied with, “No, because I am a coward!”  The more that I thought about it the funnier that reply became. 

Papillon

 Like Dorothy, who followed the yellow brick road to find Oz, my brother and younger sister and I followed the railroad tracks to the mall.  Tommy, Laura, and I figured out that the tracks paralleled a major road and we remained relatively safe as long as we walked the tracks.  Once we used the pedestrian crosswalk to get across the five lanes of busy traffic, we arrived at the mall, where trouble waited for us.  We had a lot of time on our hands, especially during the summer months when school was out, so we went to the gallery section of the mall where there was a huge reflecting pool.  Each of us took off our shoes and socks, waded into the water, and scooped up all of the coins that people had thrown in to wish for good luck.  With our new found wealth, we three children immediately bought candy and ice cream from one of the retail shops.  The mall was a huge playground for us and we abused the privilege of being unsupervised by doing stupid things like racing up and down the escalators.  

There wasn’t just one trip to the mall but many and, over the course of the years, we got into so much trouble that security had to detain us.  The officer kept us in his office, called my mother, and we had to wait for her to come and pick us up.  We had become a public nuisance.  I wasn’t done with the mall, however.  After this episode I decided to fly under the radar by walking the three miles up to Oxmoor Mall by myself because it had a movie theater.  There was no better way of killing a day in the balmy summer in Louisville than by sneaking into the movies.  It was so easy to do.  I just waited in the foyer and, when the attendant was distracted, I would dart in.  The problem was that I was ten years old in 1972 and I had no discretion as to which movie I saw and ended up seeing movies that were wildly inappropriate for my age.  As one critic recently wrote about seeing “Chinatown” when he was too young; “Nothing was explained to me.  I was left to grapple with the horrors and mysteries of the adult world alone.  The trying and failing to understand.  The not getting it.”  No one will ever  be thanked, years after the fact, for showing a movie to a child who is not ready for the adult content.

This may sounded overly dramatic but I promise you that it is not, in that the damage of seeing R rated movies at the age of ten and eleven can never be undone.  For example, I saw the Jack Lemmon film entitled “The War Between Men and Women”  with its adult themes of alcoholism and divorce.  The scene that I remember the most is when Lemmon’s character gets drunk and starts drawing on the walls of his home.  He draws a cartoon battle, which comes to life, and he single handedly takes out a tank.  The whole scene plays out in his intoxicated imagination and closes only when Lemmon wakes up with a hangover.  No one was there to explain adultery, alcoholism, and the damage done to the entire family because of Lemmon’s drinking.  In that same year of 1972 “The Poseidon Adventure,” was released and I saw it several times because of the action sequences.  One of the major characters was a former prostitute.  Ernest Borgnine played a cop who kept arresting her for selling her body until she cleaned herself up and agreed to marry him.  Of course, I was too young to understand what sex was, let alone a prostitute, and a lot of the adult themes went right over my head.

These two movies pale in comparison to the 1973 version of “Papillon,” which I snuck into see more than once.  There was a homosexual scene in it and I had no idea of what was happening.  The first time that I saw “Papillon” my brother, who was all of thirteen at the time, tried to explain homosexuality to me and he did a poor job of it.  In another graphic scene, a man was sliced open and disemboweled so that thieves could get to the cash that the man had shoved up his rectum for safe keeping.  There was violence and nudity scattered throughout the movie and it was too much for my eleven year old brain to process.  To top it all off, Steve McQueen, who played Papillon, and part of the nuance of the role was that he was a bad man who protected Dustin Hoffman’s character for money.  And yet the audience cheered him as if he was a hero.  It was a lot to take in.  

I suppose that at this point in my entry that you are looking for someone to blame for my loss of innocence but the trauma was self inflicted.  We were three kids who were bored but it was reckless of us to walk to the mall.  Further, I should not have snuck into see “Papillon” and “The Poseidon Adventure” for a second and third time having already learned that the movies were inappropriate for my age and maturity level.  There were no new lessons to be learned through repeated viewings.  Also, I didn’t get any bragging rights to my friends, nor could I claim to be sophisticated and explain the movies to others, because I didn’t understand what I saw.  The empty vessel that was my ten year old brain was being filled with sewage and, since there were no impediments to stop me, I returned to the movie theater over and over again to get more helpings.

Music

    Out of the blue, my daughter, Virginia, sent me the following text.  “Every time that I hear ‘Renegade’ by Styx, I think of the four of us in the car and, wherever we were going, just singing the song at the top of our lunges.  I don’t know if you remember that but it is one of the strongest memories I have of our car rides during the summer or going to and from school.”  Music is the soundtrack of our lives and when I hear certain songs, they act as a trigger and send me back years, if not decades, into my past. 

   My mother spent a lot of time in the kitchen when I was a kid and she listened to a lot of am radio from a monitor installed on the wall.  “Georgie Girl,” “Downtown,” and “The Happening” are examples of songs that I remember bellowing from the radio.  The happiest that I ever remember my father was when he sang “King of the Road,” prompted by the car radio, as we took road trips to Minnesota or Vermont.  Late in his career, my father bought a really nice stereo system for our living room so that he could calm his nerves by listening to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

   My sister, Cherylanne, was the one who taught me how important music could be in my life.  She had a record player in her bedroom and had quite a collection of 45s.  “Billy, Don’t be a Hero,” “I’ve got a Brand New Pair of Roller Skates,” and “Run, Joey, Run,” were among the hits that she collected.  I remember that she had a pink carrying case for her 45s and she treated them like a treasure.  My brother, Thomas, influenced my taste in music in that he learned a lot of songs from his week out at Camp Tall Trees.  He was so happy when he sang these songs, like “Titanic” and “The Bismarck,” that I couldn’t wait until I was old enough to go to camp so that I could learn them as well.  

   In 1978 I was hired on at Camp Tall Trees to be a Blackfoot, which is another name for the kitchen help.  It was in that year that the movie “Grease” was released.  It was so popular that you couldn’t escape the soundtrack because the radio was continuously playing its songs.  The commute to Camp Tall Trees took about an hour and, to this day, when I hear a song from the soundtrack I am immediately transported back to that drive out to camp.  Similarly, Chris Wagoner, David Greenwell, and I, who spent our Blackfoot year together, spent hours cleaning the pots and pans and dishes after the campers and counselors had left the mess hall.  Chris liked to listen to classic rock and, since it was his radio, we heard “Joker” and “Money” over and over again as we scraped the plates and mopped the floors.  

   I’ll have to admit that I was moody kid throughout middle and high school because I was trying to figure myself out.  I listened to a lot of depressing music like “Cats in the Cradle” and “Seasons in the Sun” and I must have worn out my cassette tape of “Jesus Christ Superstar.”  By the time that I reached my senior year, I switched over to Disco because it had uplifting music.  “Celebrate Good Times,” for example, send me back to my cheerleading days at Xavier University.  After I graduated from Bellarmine, when I reached the depths of despair while working at a dead end job at Metal Sales, I listened to a lot of Van Halen, which helped to buck me up.

   In 1986, when Tracey and I started to date, we decided that our song should be “The Lady in Red.”  My wife taught me that not all Christmas music is bad; that you have to pick and choose which songs are uplifting, so we listened to a lot of Amy Grant.  Then, after we married and we started a family, Jimmy Buffett was constantly on our CD player.  “Jolly Man” was my favorite Buffett song because it told a good short story and I could sing it in about the same amount of time that it took to change the diapers of my children.

   Today, I still depend of music to distract me.  When I jog in the morning I like to listen to the local pop stations just so that I can keep in touch with the modern music culture.  I’ll plug in my MP3 player when I am on long bike rides and listen to Broadway musicals.  It is happy music with a narrative and I never tire of the songs.  If I need to block out distractions while I read something dense then I will YouTube classical or jazz music.  Movie soundtracks are a favorite for classical and you just cannot go wrong with the jazz greats like Charlie Parker and Thelonius Monk.

   Forgive me from becoming too personal but, often, from the deep recesses of my mind, comes my “Citizen Kane” moment.  Only for me, it is not a sled that is so important to my childhood, that keeps reappearing.  No, my “Rosebud” is a song and it goes something like this.  “Chip, chip, my little horse.  Chip, chip, again sir.  How many miles to London Town?  Four score and ten, sir!”  This song comes from the 1948 movie, “The Boy with the Green Hair.”  My brother and sisters and I would race home from Holy Trinity School to watch television and one of the local stations played old movies in the afternoon.  For some reason, this movie, and this song, is a happy memory for me and my brother.  I clearly remember laying on the floor, watching this movie, and from the deep recesses of my mind, this song reappears, like a haunt wandering through my consciousness, searching for meaning.  Thomas and I shared a bonding moment s we sung this song together.   

Smothers, Mandela, RFK Jr

    I have to admit that I feel a little lost.  I am done with substitute teaching at Sacred Heart because I felt like the job had run its course.  I thought that I might like to substitute at Collegiate but, after spending a morning being interviewed and being introduced as the new substitute teacher, the principal sent me an email to tell me that I would not be hired.  I was embarrassed at being rejected, but also relieved because I really didn’t want the job anyway.  It was just delaying the inevitable and this incident slammed the door on my teaching career.  What I really wanted was to to work at a place where I felt like I was part of the community; a place where I could contribute, where I belong, and a place where I could share my gifts.  I am out of ideas as to what I should do next.  Volunteering sounded like a good idea but Gilda’s Club and Kosair Children’s Hospital do not allow you to work directly with the kids, and that is all that I wanted to do.  When asked by the guys at the gym what my next move is going to be, I simply replied that I was “going to throw all of my money on the floor and make cash angels all day.”  Sometimes that line would get a laugh.

   What I need now is a role model.  For example, Robert Kennedy Jr. could do anything that he wanted with his career since he inherited a lot of family wealth, but what he chose to do was to dedicate himself to improving the environment.  Tommy Smothers, a comedian from the 1970s, dropped out of the entertainment industry and won’t even take interviews anymore because he is only interested in yoga and self-care.  Michael Rockefeller is an example of what not to do when you have all of the time and money in the world.  He decided to spend his time doing research on the pygmies of New Zealand.  They turned out to be cannibals and Michael was eaten for his efforts.  The best example of what to do at the end of your career is Nelson Mandela.  He was a shape-shifter in that he was a boxer and revolutionary when he was young, a politician when he got out of prison, and an icon for South Africa when he retired.  Mandela would only make public appearances sporadically when he was old but he made sure that he dressed in the traditional African colors when he did attend public ceremonies.  It is going to take awhile for me to settle into this new role of being retired but I like the idea of having Mandela, RFK Jr. and Tommy Smothers to guide me through these years.
   Now that I am retired, the only people that I talk to are the group of men who arrive at the gym at 5:00 am, waiting for the doors to open.  Over time we have fallen into a relaxed relationship where we can share almost anything with the group.  So, when asked why I quit Sacred Heart, I told the guys that no one seemed to care if I stayed or if I left.  I thought, “okay, I guess that I’ll leave.”  Other quotes that I remember sharing with them are “this is an inglorious way to end a career,” and “it is better to jump rather than be pushed.”  Aside from the men at the gym, I do like to share my thoughts to my 1,500 friends on Facebook.  I wrote that “it has been months since I quit my job at Sacred Heart.  When I started, I was young and aggressive, and now I am old, the same age as Alvin Guenther when he died of cancer.”  Alvin was a friend of mine and it was hard to see him get sick but his death reminded me of how good I have it, especially since my only worry is how I am going to spend my years in retirement.  

Rhine and Moselle

    Tuesday, October 18, 2022: We arrived at the Frankfurt airport after a nine hour flight. I can’t sleep on the plane.  The most that I can hope for is to pass out for five to ten minutes at a time, but that doesn’t do any good, so I was groggy for the whole day.  I had been very sick the week before we left for Germany, so I was worried about my health issues; but as it turned out, I bounced back from the flight and my illness with relative ease.  In fact, the whole trip could not have gone better.  My only other concern about our trip was that it was going to be just one old castle after another and, once again, my worries were unfounded.  We saw so many things and experienced so many different places and none of the sites repeated themselves.  Our Rhine and Moselle trip was wonderful and quite an adventure.  

       Wednesday, October 19, 2022:  Most of the day was spent on the ship, which was fine with me because I was perfectly happy sitting on the upper deck to watch the remarkable rows of vineyards and the old towns of Germany pass by.  A vacation on a ship like the Uniworld River Queen isn’t supposed to be like Disneyland or Cancun; the idea is to slow down and appreciate the beauty of the countryside as you meander your way through it.  The vistas were breathtaking and we were given the downtime to sit back, relax, and enjoy the best views that Germany has to offer.  I remembered the quote that my Latin teacher liked to recite in high school; “Hodie ergo vixi,” which translates to  “I have lived today!”  We were living our best lives while on the ship.
   The highlight of the day was to visit the Cochem Castle on the Moselle River.  One of the many reasons why I like to travel with the U of L Alumni Group is because they line up a lot of extra events for us.  At Cochem, they hired an actor and a singer to entertain us when the tour was over.  Some of the other tourists decided to walk back to the ship when we were finished but I told my wife, “it is a lot further than you think, it is dark, and the sidewalk only appears intermittently.  There are going to be a lot of tired and sad looking walkers returning to the ship late tonight.”  Sure enough, two of the walkers cut their losses and took a cab back to the River Queen. 

   Thursday, October 20, 2022:  We took the city tour of Cochem and Lisa was our guide.  Past experiences have taught me that the tour guide will make the difference between a good day and a bad day.  Lisa was great because she knew her history but was smart enough not to get too entangled in the details of the different wars.  For example, she said that “the French visited Germany twice, during the reign of Louis XIV and Napoleon.  But that was fair because, after all, we visited them first.”  Lisa also mentioned that half of the city was destroyed at the end of WWII by American bombs, but she forgot to tell us that it was Germany who brutally attacked the U.S. first at the Battle of the Bulge.  It is important for the guides to avoid controversial subjects to the vacationing tourists.
   After the tour my wife was thirsty so I went to buy her a drink.  I went to a small shop in the town square and put a Coke on the counter.  The cashier didn’t speak English very well.  I asked her, “Do you accept American Express?”  “Nein,” she replied.  “How about VISA.”  “Nein,” she replied.  “Alright, how about cash.”  “Ja,” she replied.  “I don’t have any Euros but can you accept American dollars?”  “Nein,” she retorted and then physically took the Coke away from me.  This cashier was hard core; after all, I am used to a quick tap and go with my credit card, so I was surprised at her abruptness.  As Lisa would say, the cashier was being “very German” in her abruptness.

   Friday, October 21, 2022: It rained almost all day during our visit to Trier.  We decided to tour the city anyway because, as our fellow passenger, Amy, said, “I am not that sweet.  I won’t melt.”  Andrea was our guide and she showed us the ancient ruins of Porta Nigra, the Market Square, and the old Roman aqueduct.  She knew the place well as she grew up in Trier and used the aqueduct as a playground.  The Germans are very good to the handicapped in that there were 3D sculptures of the basilica and the cathedral right outside of the real buildings.  Since my wife is blind, these representations really helped her to understand what everyone else was seeing.

   Saturday, October 22, 2022:  Our morning tour included visiting the American Memorial Cemetery in Luxembourg to see where General Patton and about five thousand U.S. soldiers were buried after they given their lives for their country, most of them dying in the Battle of the Bulge.  It was a somber place and that is why I was surprised that Jane, one of my fellow travelers on the Uniworld cruise, suddenly started to dance in the middle of the cemetery.  She kicked up her leg, performing an amateur  pirouette, and flailed her arms around in a dance move that was wildly inappropriate for such a sacred place.  Brenda, another fellow passenger, later said that she wanted to “take a wide circle around this crazy lady ” because her dance moves were so wild and unexpected.  It was only when I saw Jane swiping the air did I realize that there was a bee flying around her head.  She looked so silly that I could not stop laughing, which clearly irritated her, and Jane said to me, “I hope that the bee stings you!”  After visiting the cemetery we saw the Cathedral of Norte Dame in Luxembourg and the Flea Market in the main square.  Later, when we were all back on the ship and some time had passed since the bee incident, Marjorie and Brenda and I shared a laugh about the crazy lady doing a dance in the cemetery.  

   Sunday, October 23, 2022: Our tour to Bernkastle included walking through the old town to see the architecture of the buildings that were 500 years old.  Then, since we were in the Riesling area of the Moselle Valley, we had a wine tasting at the Bergweiler Wine Estate.  Since a lot of my trip revolved around drinking wine, I am sharing a couple of drinking quotes with you that came from our guides.  For example, when our tour began at 10:00 am, our guide said “you can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning.”  During the wine tasting, the sommelier said that you “have to open the bottle to let it breathe.  If it doesn’t breathe then you have to give it mouth to mouth!”  Another tour guide, when asked why the locals drank so much alcohol, replied “because beer has freedom in it and wine has wisdom in it.  Also because water has bacteria in it.”  His clever answer was a round about way of saying that in the past drinking the water could make you sick.

   Monday, October 24, 2022:  We toured Boppard in the morning and Rudeshiem in the afternoon.  The weather was perfect for taking pictures of both of these beautiful towns.  Part of the fun for me in going on these tours is that I get to put all of my memories on Facebook.  I’ll post every single morning and then watch as I rack up the ‘likes’ throughout the day.  The purpose of my posts is not to brag but to let the people back home that I am safe and am having a wonderful time.  I never put anything bad on Facebook because that site is my happy place.  I have a good life and I like to share it with others.  Also, “Hodie ergo vixi.”

   Tuesday, October 25, 2022:  The Doktorenhof Vinegar Estate in Speyer was our first tour of the day.  Part of their kitsch was that all tourists had to wear these long capes to protect the vinegars and the casks but I think that they made us wear the capes because they really looked cool.  It was a simple way of dressing us up so that we felt like we were in a “Harry Potter” movie.
   In the afternoon, we toured Heidelberg.  We started off touring the old town first and then moved onto the castle.  Our guide was Thomas and he did not disappoint.  Without a doubt, he was the funniest guide that we had during our whole vacation.  For example, he told us of Frederick IV, the young king of Heidelberg, who was an alcoholic.  He died prematurely and when they opened up the young king for an autopsy, “his liver poured out onto the floor in an gelatinous puddle; so he did that right.”  I found that line hilarious.  Then, once we were at the castle, Thomas said that “there was a laughing face carved into the corner of the building so that, when attacked, the guards could pour hot oil onto the enemy.  The last thing that the attackers would see was a smiley face looking at them as they boiled to death.”  This was a little dark, but still funny.  When we walked through the courtyard of the Heidelberg castle, Thomas said that “the people would entertain themselves by playing games.  A popular game at the time was called the “Fox Toss.”  A series of young couples would stretch out a sheet between them and then a fox would be loosed in the courtyard.  The idea was to wait until the fox crossed your sheet and the lift the sheet up as quickly as possible so that the fox would be tossed into the air.  The game lost popularity because the young couples didn’t like having an irate fox dropped onto their heads.”  Once again, I found this hilarious.  But Thomas was not finished.  He noted that Heidelberg has several fraternities.  Over time, they had “lost a lot of their membership because these fraternities are known for their nationalism.  We had already had our bout with nationalism in the 1930s and that went kind of wrong.”  One more joke that Thomas played on us was when we went to Heidelberg Castle to see the world’s largest cask of wine.  When we entered the ante-room we saw a huge cask and so we started to take selfies in front of it.  Thomas said, “now that you are finished taking pictures of the wrong barrel, let’s go over here to see the real one.”  We all sheepishly followed him.  I think that he let us take the selfies just so that he could have his own little joke.

   Wednesday, October 26, 2022:  This was our only day in France so we wanted to make the most of it.  The morning was spent in Strasbourg, a university town with a population of over 480,000.  It was much larger than I thought that it would be and the highlight of our visit was touring the Church of Notre Dame, the prize of the city.  In the afternoon we took a bus ride to the Black Forest, a place for the locals to ski, hike, and vacation.  My wife is Tracey Armbruster Frazier and the Armbruster family has deep roots in the Black Forest region.  To prove that point, as we were arriving back in Germany to visit the Black Forest, we saw the Armbruster manufacturing plant, which produced cakes and pastries.       
Nestled into the Black Forest is an Open Air Museum where we saw several of the old houses that the Germans had moved on site for the tourists to see.  The only house that was original to the site was a farmhouse built there in 1612, six years before the first permanent settlers arrived at Jamestown.

   Thursday, October 27, 2022:  We transferred off the ship to ride the bus to Baden-Baden.  Since we had some time to kill we were dropped off at the hotel, we visited Gengenbach, a small town that few tourists visit because it doesn’t have any hotels or the amenities to satisfy the expectations of our large American group.  It turned out to be a charming place to visit.  For example, at Gengenbach, I learned how much the Germans loved their dogs.  One shopkeeper bragged on her little Yorkie Terrier by saying, “she is my sunshine.”  While at a restaurant, one owner had trained her Corgies to wait patiently outside because no dogs were allowed inside.  Meanwhile, she filled up her napkin with treats from the buffet to share with her little friends.  My outstanding memory of Gengenbach will be how much the Germans loved their dogs.

   Friday, October 28, 2022:  Our last city to visit was Baden-Baden.  Sometimes you just have to appreciate it when things go your way; the weather was perfect for a casual walk by the river or taking a tour of the city.  Marion was our guide and she began our day with what Baden-Baden is most known for and that is its casino.  She warned us, however, that we had to be on our best behavior for this private tour before the casino opened and that meant no horseplay or running through the halls.  I turned to my wife and said, “Dammit.  We may as well leave right now.”  Anyway, the casino was spectacular and the old resort town retained a lot of its former glory.
   There were two reasons why Tracey and I took this trip.  The first was to visit the Black Forest region where her family is from.  The second was to see our exchange student, Niko, who spent a year with us two decades ago.  We met up for dinner on our last night on the trip and it was a lot of fun catching up with him.  It was the perfect ending to a perfect trip to Germany and France. 

Quotes
• On one of our tours, the guide said that he had memories of an apartment that we had passed up.  Apparently his girlfriend used to live there and his memory was that he had accidentally let his girlfriend’s canary out of its cage and the bird escaped.  He spent the whole morning trying to get the bird back.  Finally, he was able to find it and put it back in its cage.  I said, “that is the way that it is before you get married.  After you got married I am sure that you would have said, ‘just let the damn thing go.’”  With a look of disgust, Geetha, one of my fellow U of L tourists, said, “that was very cynical of you.  You should let us keep our illusions.”  What I thought was a whimsical comment turned out to be a much more serious statement.
• When I saw a group of German primary school students touring Gengenbach, I walked over and introduced myself as an American.  No one, not even the teachers, knew any English.  I talked for a minute or two, said goodbye, and started to walk away.  I was about a quarter of a block away when one of the teachers must have shared with the class the one word of English that she knew.  Twenty little voices yelled “Hello” after I had already left.
• When we saw an actor dressed up in full Renaissance regalia, I said to him, “I bet that you don’t wear that outfit at home.”  He replied, “only when my girlfriend asks me to.”
• If things were slow and we didn’t have a lot to do during the day then I would have a couple of drinks.  For some reason, I felt that I needed to hide my drinking from some of the other passengers because I wanted to “avoid the disapproving glare of a saint.”
• While we were in Heidelberg, I happened to need to use the bathroom.  I found a public bathroom and it was unusual in that it was uni-sex; male and females were expected to use the same bathroom and the only thing that separated the sexes was the thin wall of the stall.  In effect, there were no barriers between the sexes and, when I saw Kaitlin exiting the same bathroom a little later on, she said that “was one of the most awkward experiences of my whole life.”
• One of our guides talked incessantly about the great German lunch that was being offered to us.  Gina told us that we must try the Schnitzel and the sausages, for example.  As we pulled into the German restaurant’s parking lot, at an attempt at being funny, I replied with “I hoped that they were going to serve pizza.”  She frowned at my little joke.


Non Sequitar
• It was nice being with an older crowd.  Sure, they liked to talked about their grandchildren and the careers where they had made their bones, but talk to couples for any length of time and they will inevitably bring up how they met and the hard days of when they were first married.
• The great thing about the U of L Travel Group is that it is made up of people who are of different races, different ages, and different fields of study, but everyone gets along and truly enjoys the company of the other passengers.  They raise the level of conversation by talking about their favorite books or other trips that they had been on.
• The U of L Travel Group is a refined group.  For example, I never heard anyone cuss the whole time that we were gone.  The worst that I heard was when a lady was frustrated about packing blurted out “Jimminie Cricket.”  I felt like trash when I dropped the F-bomb when I hit my head of a ceiling in the aqueduct.  I apologized to everyone wishing hearing distance.



Congratulations if you have made it this far.  Today is my wife’s 58th birthday so if you could write in the comment section on Facebook, “Happy Birthday Tracey,” I will pass along your well wishes. 

Sent from my iPad

South Africa

      Monday, September 12, 2022:  We flew from Atlanta to Johannesburg, a flight that lasted fifteen hours and forty minutes, the longest flight available.  Everyone on the tour was a little punchy after the flight but the River Palm Resort, which just reopened in January, was worth the journey.  Each room had a private balcony overlooking the Zambezi River where we were able to watch the monkeys play on the lawn.  At the end of the day we attended a one hour lecture on the adventures of David Livingstone, the famous explorer who was the first white man to travel the interior of South Africa.

   Tuesday, September 13, 2022:  When we arrived at Victoria Falls, there was a local dance troupe that dressed up in Zulu outfits and welcomed the tourists.  When I walked up to drop a tip into their jar they motioned me to join them.  After I posted a video on Facebook, a friend of mine replied, “Jeff, you are the whitest guy I know,” because I danced so poorly and had no rhythm whatsoever.
   Victoria Falls is one mile wide and 360 feet high and is located between Zimbabwe and Zambia.  Our driver, Lucky, gave us a briefing of what we were about to see and then we took a long walk to take in the view.  Words cannot describe how beautiful the Falls were and we did our best to appreciate the moment.  On the opposite side of the Falls were pools of water which tourists could swim in and they were precariously close to toppling over the ledge to fall off the side.
   After Victoria Falls, we visited a local market where artists sold their wares.  Our main guide, Robin, helped Tracey, my blind wife, feel the life size carvings of a kudu, water buffalo, and a rhino.  At the end of the day we were treated to a river cruise where we saw hippos in the water and crocodiles and elephants on the shore. 

   Wednesday, September 14, 2022:  We got up early and wished the people who were taking the morning helicopter flight over Victoria Fall a good trip.  From the River Palm resort, we took a three hour flight to Cape Town, and checked into the Table Bay Hotel.  This is a five star hotel overlooking the harbor and situated next to the Victoria and Albert shopping mall.  Since most of the day was taken up by traveling, Tracey and I were happy to stay in the hotel for dinner.  The food was great and we were pacing ourselves, trying to relax and enjoy the moment.

   Thursday, September 15, 2022: The cable car ride up to the top of Table Mountain was interesting because the floor of the car rotated so that all of the passengers had a full 360 degree view of Cape Town.  We arrived early because, in the peak season, it can take up to four hours waiting in line to get onto the cable cars, and we wanted to avoid that waste of time.  Once we were at the top of the mountain, Des, our other guide, stayed with Tracey and helped her feel the two 3D maps on top of the mountain.  the first map was about the mountain and the ridges, known as “The Twelve Apostles,” which were adjacent to the mountain.  The second 3D map was about the whole city of Cape Town and the group of mountains which surrounded the city.
   After our tour of Table Mountain, we drove to the Groot Constantia winery, the oldest wine estate in South Africa, for a wine tasting event.  After our tour we broke for lunch and Christopher Brand, the author of “Mandela: My Prisoner.  My Friend,” gave us a lecture on what it was like to interact with the great man.

   Friday, September 16, 2022: Baboons blocked our entrance to the Cape Point National Park, which is located next to the Cape of Good Hope, so we took a few minutes to watch them play and dig for seeds.  It was a little gross because the baboons turned their backs to us and hung their butts in the air so I said to Des, one of the main guides, “can’t they put some pants on those things.”  He laughed at my little joke.
   After lunch we went to Boulder’s Beach to watch the penguins and rounded out the day by visiting Diamond Works where Robin arranged for Tracey to get her own stone-cutting tour.  On the way to the beach, Des pointed to a park and said, “Do you see the statue of the Doug?”  We were confused and asked if he could repeat the question.  “Do you see the statue of the Doug?”  Do you men the statue of the dog?”  “Yes,” replied Des.  I said, “You have to put a Kentucky spin on your accent,” so Des replied with a Southern accent, “Do y’all see the statue of the Dawg?”  Pam laughed and said, “You went a little too far down South!” 

   Saturday, September 17, 2022:  We had been having a great time and we hadn’t even been to the highlight of the tour, which was the Kapama Private Game Reserve.  Within the first two hours of being on the reserve we saw water buffalo, giraffes, impalas, and zebras.  An elephant walked right up to our Jeep and its massive tusks were only three or four feet away from my face.  I became nervous because my only thought was that if the elephant wanted to charge at us to do us bodily harm then there was absolutely nothing to stop it.  The final great moment of our first day at the park was when we got to see a male and female lion mating.  It was a nice moment for Tracey because she could hear the couple growling and mewing with satisfaction. 

   Sunday, September 18, 2022:  We spent the morning at the Herd Trust, a place for wayward elephants to rehabilitate.  The only thing that separated us from the elephants was a stone wall and Tracey was initially reticent to touch the huge animal.  By the end of the experience, however, she was stuffing oranges into the Elephant’s trunk.  Since my wife is blind, we have to find a way for her to use her other senses in order to enjoy the trip.  Tracey could hear the elephant open its mouth, blow the oranges into its gullet, and chew.  The noise that the elephant made was like the sound effects from an “Alien” movie.  By the time that we left the Herd Trust, Tracey was totally satisfied because she got to feed and pet an elephant and our visit could not have gone any better.
   Lawrence was our guide and he liked to say that he had many boxes to open.  It was as if each encounter was a surprise gift.  Our gift on the safari for Sunday was to see a leopard cub in a tree feeding on an impala.  The mother leopard had left the cub alone to feed and it was brutish, so real, that I could not help but to appreciate how raw nature is.  At the end of the safari, Lawrence said, “I have no more boxes to open,” because we had seen the best of the Kapama Game Reserve.

   Monday, September 19, 2022:  The reason why you should travel is because you never know what type of new experience will be for you to experience.  My favorite memory from our South African tour will be of visiting the Mmakoma Crèche School for Orphans.  The University of Louisville donated $2,000 to the orphanage as well as some U of L swag.  As we pulled into Crèche we could hear the kids cheering us as we arrived in our Jeeps.  I don’t know who was more excited, the kids or us, as we gave out the t shirts and the sunglasses to the orphans.  Robin asked Tracey to hand out the sunglasses and the orphans were instructed to clap their hands twice so that my wife knew where to place their gift.  
   South Africa is 80% black, with most of the white people residing in the urban areas, and I am sure that these orphans had never seen a white person before because the school was in a rural area.  There was one little boy who had screamed throughout the whole experience so his teachers had put him in time out in one of the classrooms.  I didn’t know this and I walked by the classroom and I wanted to say hello to the little boy who was being comforted.  As soon as he saw me he started to scream because I was the tall, white skinned, blue eyed devil who must have occupied his nightmares.
   In our safari, we saw a pride of ten elephants at the watering hole.  Two of the younger elephants were butting heads and rough housing.  Lawrence said that this was a sign that the young elephants were ready to peel off and start their own pride.  Later on the safari, a lone lion walked by our Jeep and Ron, one of our fellow tourists, said that “I could have reached out and petted him!”  This safari ruined the rest of the trip for us because I could not see how anything could have gotten any better that seeing teenage elephant fighting or a lion walking within petting distance.

   Tuesday, September 20, 2022:  Both of the safaris were a bust but my thought was that I had seen everything that there was to be seen so I wanted to enjoy riding in the bush in a Jeep.  I sang “Plastic Jesus” and “Feeling Groovy” to myself, over and over again, because those two songs always seem to put me in a good mood.  Meanwhile, I tried to stay in the moment and appreciate the fact that I was on a dream trip in South Africa and almost anyone in the U.S. would gladly trade places with me.  We did one more safari on Wednesday morning before we flew home.  



Quotes
• Steven Smith said, “Our guide told us that you can tell the difference between a male and female giraffe by tasting their poop.  A males’ is sour while a females’ is sweet.”  And then the guide challenged him to eat a pellet of poop and guess the gender of the provider.  “I’ll do it if you will,” and the two men began to munch on the poop.  I said, “I’ll bet the guide had some Raisinettes hidden in his pocket and slipped those in his mouth instead of the poop.  He’s probably back at the lodge right now, bragging to his buddies, and saying, ‘You’ll never guess what I got one of the tourists to do today!’”  Steven laughed at the idea that he had been set up to be the punchline but then a look of concern crossed his face as he must have worried about being set up.
• I told Duane that my favorite Hemingway quote is that “Good fortune is light as a feather but most men are not strong enough to carry it.”  Duane replied, “Did Hemingway say that before he blew off half of his face with a shotgun?”  It was a dark comment but so quick and on point that I laughed and laughed in spite of myself.
• In a feel good moment, after we had given the orphans their gifts at Crèche, Chris started singing “My Old Kentucky Home.”  After the song was over I said that it “was nice to hear our state song in Africa.”  David, an African-American man, replied, “Not for all of us.”  Of course, he was right, and we need to find a new state song that doesn’t offend a large part of our community.       
• The man in front of me during our trans-Atlantic flight looked like he was crazy.  He had shaved his head, had a long goatee, and looked like he had just been released from prison.  The crazy man kept rocking back and forth so that his pillow fell back and landed on my lap.  Sometime during the night, the ex-con turned his big ugly face towards me and aggressively told me to give him his pillow back.  I wanted to say, “Look, Pal, it was your fault that this pillow landed in my lap and if you want it back then you should ask me nicely.”  Wanting to avoid a confrontation, I instead said, “Yes Sir.  And would you like for me to wash and iron that pillow for you?”
• The lady whose plane landed before us at the Kapama Game Reserve said that her plane had to circle the runway three times to make the roaming animals clear the runway.


Non Sequitar
• I worried myself sick over my health problems and thought that the long flight would exasperate them but, as it turns out, none of my problems proved to be a concern.
• We travel with the university because we know that we will have the best of experiences with that group.  I don’t have a bucket list but instead will travel with the university wherever they go because I know that I will have a great experience.
• Part of the fun for me is to think about these tours as one big puzzle and trying to figure out who my fellow passengers are.  These people are the real deal.  For example, Scott Brinkmanship and Jim Rogers are on the board of directors for the University of Louisville and are on the search committee for a new president.  Danny Howard is an eye surgeon.  Steve Smith and Ed Bornstein have their own law firm.  Tracey and I were the youngest passengers on this trip and there were all sorts of role models who taught how to age well and enjoy life.

Green Tortoise Tour

 Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, this is it for me. I’ve enjoyed my time on the bus and it has been a pleasure getting to know you. If you want to stay connected then Google me at Jeff Frazier in Louisville, Kentucky. I’ll pop right up.” These were the final words that I spoke to the Green Tortoise Tours. It was all a bluff as, in the inside, I was thinking, “Thank God that is over. Clearly it was a mistake!” I was more than ready to return to my life in the gilded bubble that is 1400 Willow.

When Tracey and I flew to Egypt, I developed a blood clot in my left leg. It didn’t inhibit me at all but everyone on the tour was telling me how bad my leg looked. It blew up to twice its normal size because of the ride in the airplane, three days straight on the bus, and the hiking. Ralph was a physician’s assistant and he said that an infection may have set it. Lyle said that I couldn’t go on unless I had a doctor check it out. I kept telling them that I had been to the hospital twice to have a sonogram and had been to see my doctor twice right before the trip and she cleared me. That wasn’t good enough so my choice was to fly home or be harassed about hiking, when that was our singular activity. The leg wasn’t going to get better as long as I was on the bus, or was hiking, so I left for Calgary that same day and then flew back to Louisville.

Given the chance, I don’t know if I would have done anything differently. My leg was down to normal size before I left and Dr. Tsai had cleared me. Still, when everyone is telling you how bad your leg looks, you should probably pay attention to them. If you ignore the advice from all of your colleagues then you might have to answer the question of, “How far from the pack have you strayed?”

I feel lucky to get away unscathed. Lyle said that we were about to leave Banff and there were no hospitals or any immediate care units until we reached Juneau, which was a week away. If the blood clot passed into my heart or brain then I would have to take a helicopter out of the wilderness. My thought was that he could have said the same thing about any of the passengers, especially the two seventy two year old women who were in the bus. We were sleeping in the cold and wet weather and anyone of us could have developed pneumonia.

I told Lyle that there were no hard feelings. I got out of the trip what I wanted to get out of it and the experience wasn’t going to get any better by stretching it out for another three weeks. In effect, Lyle offered me a way out of a trip that offered me little but frustration, so I grabbed onto the excuse with both hands and abruptly left

Quotes:

1. You had to like Scotty G if for no other reason than he was completely honest. For example, when

we all first met each other outside of the TransAmerica building in San Francisco, he said, “We

are all trying to to size each other up.”

2. Scotty G named his dog “Sober” because “you put all of your shit on your dog.”

3. Scotty G said, without provocation, that “I am not an onion. I am an artichoke! When you peel

off my layers you will find a heart!” I thought to myself that I will use that line for the rest of my

life.

4. Scotty G would suddenly check out and meditate. It was his way of checking out and escaping

from the mundanities of the life on the bus.

5. I bought a bottle of Jim Beam, mostly to use as a prop, because the Kentucky boy should always

have a bottle of bourbon. Next store to the liquor store was a cannabis shop and I asked for a low grade sample of marijuana because I didn’t want to get sick. When Scotty G saw my bottle of Jim bean on the counter while I was asking for weak weed, he said “that is like trying to kill yourself but not wanting to use an AK-47 to do it.”

6. Savannah said that her mother allowed her to go on the Green Tortoise Tour because, “As long as I don’t sell my body or take drugs, I can do whatever I want!”

7. Jeff F said, “Gary, I don’t know anything about you. Tell me about yourself.” To which Gary answered, “Well, the first thing that you should know about me is that I am very handsome.”

8. Erica said that I have cadaver feet because they are white while the rest of my leg are tan.

9. Russ said “Does there come a time on this trip when people don’t talk so much? My ears are getting tired.”

10. When asked why he became a firefighter, Jorge’s pat answer is “because I was a boy with a penis.” That meant that all red blooded American boys dream of becoming a fireman some day.

11. Lyle said that “One of my most important jobs is rumor control.” I didn’t hear any rumors and then it hit me that the rumors were probably about me. I hoped that the rumors were about me hooking up with 19 year old Savannah but more likely they were about the blood clot in my left leg.

12. Eileen threw up twice, once in the bus and another time in the common eating area. There are procedures for this sort of thing that were ignored by The Tortoise. In fact, I had pointed out that Eileen was sick to Amber to let her know that a member of the group was puking. Later on, Amber said that “if you see a problem, don’t point it out to me. Do what you can to solve the problem without me.” My thought was that with a lot of people walking through the puke were getting germs all over their shoes and that is a good way to get a bus load of people sick.

13. Donna had been on “The Tortoise” before and said that this was the most laid back group ever. Because it cost so much, the people are a lot older than a typical Tortoise tour.

14. I said, “I think that The Tortoise brings couples together because they have to share the hardships of the trip.” Donna replied, “I”ve never seen married couple together who are happy. It is nice to see that it can happen.” There was some nervous laughter at this outward sign of honesty. “I am serious!,” replied Donna, who wanted to relieve the uncomfortable moment.

This trip has “mistake” written all over it.

1. I was most concerned with sharing a month long trip with a bunch of strangers

2. I was worried about sleeping outside, in a tent, and fighting off the mosquitoes. I can handle a lot

of thing but sleep deprivation is not one of them.

3. I was worried about the length of the trip. I had signed on for a month but just made it past one

week.

4. I recognized that I am my own worst enemy on a trip like this. Still, I felt like I had to do it while

I was still young enough and strong enough to endure a rough trip.

5. I thought that it was going to be a bunch of frat boys but, as it turned out, the people on the trip

were pretty great.

6. My thought was that the best thing that I could do was to just throw myself into the experience. If

worst cam to worst then I could bail out at Juneau or someplace else.

7. I have done the luxury cruise ships and wanted to try something different.

8. There was no promise of a shower and, if a shower was available, there was no promise of hot

water. I thought that it wouldn’t be a problem for me to go for days without a shower and, because I am not a picky eater, I could eat whatever was served by the camp fire for breakfast and dinner.

9. There were no mirrors. I have bad skin and didn’t know if I had any whiteheads so I was a little self conscious when I talked to people.

10. There was almost no personal space. I had to get used to being around a lot of people, who apparently did not have to go through a background check, all day long. People napped next to each other throughout the day in the pit.

Rules of the Green Tortoise

1. No homesteading. You cannot call your place and expect to live there for four weeks

2. Respect the “Tortoise Orbit.” There is storage space above the seats in the compartments but,

since people like to sleep up there, the backpacks and other luggage may be moved without notice. It is a reminder that there is no personal space and that your stuff maybe moved without your consent or notification.

Chapter 6 Section 1: Hostel for “The Turtle Tour”
• Start with San Francisco.  Stay at hostel.  Combine it with the hostel in Seattle
• Initial meeting on the street in San Francisco. 
• Include Banff.  The one good day 

Chapter 6 Section 2: Quotes for “The Turtle Tour”
• You had to like Scotty G if for no other reason than he was completely honest.  For example, when we all first met each other outside of the TransAmerica building in San Francisco, he said, “We are all trying to to size each other up.”
• Scotty G named his dog “Sober” because “you put all of your shit on your dog.”
• Scotty G said, without provocation, that “I am not an onion.  I am an artichoke!  When you peel off my layers you will find a heart!”  I thought to myself that I will use that line for the rest of my life.
• Scotty G would suddenly check out and meditate.  It was his way of checking out and escaping from the mundanities of the life on the bus.
• I bought a bottle of Jim Beam, mostly to use as a prop, because the Kentucky boy should always have a bottle of bourbon.  Next store to the liquor store was a cannabis shop and I asked for a low grade sample of marijuana because I didn’t want to get sick.  When Scotty G saw my bottle of Jim bean on the counter while I was asking for weak weed, he said “that is like trying to kill yourself but not wanting to use an AK-47 to do it.”
• Savannah said that her mother allowed her to go on the Green Tortoise Tour because, “As long as I don’t sell my body or take drugs, I can do whatever I want!”
• Jeff F said, “Gary, I don’t know anything about you.  Tell me about yourself.”  To which Gary answered, “Well, the first thing that you should know about me is that I am very handsome.”
• Erica said that I have cadaver feet because they are white while the rest of my leg are tan.
• Russ said “Does there come a time on this trip when people don’t talk so much?  My ears are getting tired.”
• When asked why he became a firefighter, Jorge’s pat answer is “because I was a boy with a penis.”  That meant that all red blooded American boys dream of becoming a fireman some day.
• Lyle said that “One of my most important jobs is rumor control.”  I didn’t hear any rumors and then it hit me that the rumors were probably about me.  I hoped that the rumors were about me hooking up with 19 year old Savannah but more likely they were about the blood clot in my left leg.
• Eileen threw up twice, once in the bus and another time in the common eating area.  There are procedures for this sort of thing that were ignored by The Tortoise.  In fact, I had pointed out that Eileen was sick to Amber to let her know that a member of the group was puking.  Later on, Amber said that “if you see a problem, don’t point it out to me.  Do what you can to solve the problem without me.”  My thought was that with a lot of people walking through the puke were getting germs all over their shoes and that is a good way to get a bus load of people sick.  
• Donna had been on “The Tortoise” before and said that this was the most laid back group ever.  Because it cost so much, the people are a lot older than a typical Tortoise tour.
• I said, “I think that The Tortoise brings couples together because they have to share the hardships of the trip.”  Donna replied, “I”ve never seen married couple together who are happy.  It is nice to see that it can happen.”  There was some nervous laughter at this outward sign of honesty.  “I am serious!,” replied Donna, who wanted to relieve the uncomfortable moment.
• As I was telling the story of taking a shower in what was basically a horse stall in the middle of a barn, the only thing that was securing my privacy was a thin shower curtain.  It wasn’t secure and, as I told the others on the tour, “one good breeze and the shower curtain would be whooshed away and the surprise would be over” in terms of my private parts.

Chapter 6 Section 3: The Mistake that was “The Turtle Tour”
• I was most concerned with sharing a month long trip with a bunch of strangers
• I was worried about sleeping outside, in a tent, and fighting off the mosquitoes.  I can handle a lot of thing but sleep deprivation is not one of them.
• I was worried about the length of the trip.  I had signed on for a month but just made it past one week.  
• I recognized that I am my own worst enemy on a trip like this.  Still, I felt like I had to do it while I was still young enough and strong enough to endure a rough trip.
• I thought that it was going to be a bunch of frat boys but, as it turned out, the people on the trip were pretty great.
• My thought was that the best thing that I could do was to just throw myself into the experience.  If worst came to worst then I could bail out at Juneau or someplace else.
• I have done the luxury cruise ships and wanted to try something different.
• There was no promise of a shower and, if a shower was available, there was no promise of hot water.  I thought that it wouldn’t be a problem for me to go for days without a shower and, because I am not a picky eater, I could eat whatever was served by the camp fire for breakfast and dinner.
• There were no mirrors.  I have bad skin and didn’t know if I had any whiteheads so I was a little self conscious when I talked to people.
• There was almost no personal space.  I had to get used to being around a lot of people, who apparently did not have to go through a background check, all day long.  People napped next to each other throughout the day in the pit
• No one there was going to miss me.  I lifted right out.  

Chapter 6 Section 4: Rules for “The Turtle Tour”
• No homesteading.  You cannot call your place and expect to live there for four weeks
• Respect the “Tortoise Orbit.”  There is storage space above the seats in the compartments but, since people like to sleep up there, the backpacks and other luggage may be moved without notice.  It is a reminder that there is no personal space and that your stuff maybe moved without your consent or notification.  Cheryl didn’t like it when I moved her stuff.
• Even though we have a bathroom onboard, there will be no pooping or peeing on the bus.  Human waste changes the chemical compound in the port-a-potty so it is better if we don’t use it.  Besides, if the port-a-potty becomes full then we have to find a place to drain it and that is sometimes not possible in the backwoods of Canada.
• Rate your need to pee from one to ten.  A “one” is when you have just peed and your bladder is empty.  A “ten” is when you have just peed in your pants.  Tell Amber or Lyle when your pee rating is a seven so that they can find a place to pull over.  A “seven” means that you have at least fifteen minutes before you have to empty your bladder.  You don’t go from a seven to a ten in fifteen minutes so don’t expect for the bus to immediately pull over when you announce that you are a “seven.”  Muriel suffered
• Pitch in whenever you can, whenever you see the need.  For example, do the dishes or load the bus or fetch the water
• Be flexible and open to new experiences.
• No shoes on in the pit.  If the mattresses get dirty or wet then they will remain dirty or wet for the whole trip and nobody wants that.

Chapter 6 Section 5: Why did I take a take “The Turtle Tour”
• There are new are different problems.  Instead of thinking about my sister and my niece dying, I can concentrate on setting up camp or going for a long hike.
• New people who were different from me.  The teachers at Sacred Heart, the people at 1400 Willow, and the members at Milestone have a tendency to be tight assed.  I want to interact with a different type of person
• I am low maintenance so I don’t care what I eat, where I sleep, or what we do.  I took it one day at a time and was determined not to plan ahead.  It is just another example of mind over matter; using self-discipline and patience, I should be able to endure the trip with no problems/
• Half of the fun is to figure out the puzzle, to put all of the pieces together.  How does the bus work, what are the names and occupations of the people and how will they get along with each other.
• I wanted to slow down and enjoy the experience.  I just took a train from Phoenix to San Antonio, for example, but didn’t feel like I had done either city justice.  A bus trip would force me to spend more time in each place and make me appreciate the places where we had passed through.  
• Now I have something to write about. This will be my fifth book
• Missed opportunities.

Chapter 6 Section 6: Welcome Surprises for “The Turtle Tour”
• I slept well at night, wedging myself into a compartment above the pit and the seats.  There was no room to maneuver, so I had to sleep perfectly still, but I was warm and safe and dry.  Also, I carried an old iPod with me and listened to recorded episodes of NPR.  The constant drone of voices blocked out the chit-chatting from the other passengers.
• Everyone was nervous at first and were on his and her best behavior.  The last thing that you wanted to do was to offend someone on the fourth day and they give you the stink eye for the rest of the trip.
• It was a really nice coach bus.  After looking at the pictures on Facebook, I was expecting an old and worn out bus.
• About half of the passengers were from foreign countries and that made conversation really interesting.
• My first impression of the interior of the bus was that of the pit, which was a big and open area at the back.  It was like one big couch where everyone could recline and relax.
• I packed really well; not too much and I didn’t forget anything.

Chapter 6 Section 7: Cast for “The Turtle Tour”
• This trip seemed to bring the couples closer together because they share the hardships.  I noticed that Russ brought Cindy her breakfast.  Paige and Seth played together by pretending to fence.  
• Elan and Murielle were always asking each other if they needed anything or wanted any help.  It was nice to see the married people getting along so well.  Brought along their own special food
• Lyle and Amber run the show.  Lyle had been traveling with The Tortoise since he was six, or for fifty years.  Amber was hired on as a guide when she was 20. 
• Scotty G had a Louis Vuitton bag, which one would never expect on a bus tour, and wild hair.  He is a hair dresser for a living; divorced with three girls from his marriage.
• Eileen is an art teacher, divorced, and very outgoing.  She had to stay in close proximity to a phone because her mother is very sick.  Threw up in middle of pavilion after smoking marijuana.  
• Brian is from Minnesota.  He was Jeff’s roommate in college.
• Ralph and Diane are married.  He is a physician’s assistant
• Elan is from Columbia and Murielle is from Argentina.  They have been married for ten years.  Elan is a web designer and Murielle is a criminal court reporter.
• Jeff is a municipal engineer from Los Angeles.  
• Jan is from Germany and is an environmental engineer.  Got to see a bear from chairlift. 
• Peter is from Budapest, Hungary
• Vanessa and Tracey are from England.  I assume that they are sisters.  You have to give up all of your vanities on a trip like this and Tracey took off her wig when she went to bathe in a river.  I didn’t know her well enough to ask what happened but she had a scar that went around the circumference of the back of her head and I guessed that she had brain surgery. 
• Joseph is Asian and has an autistic son.  His wife stayed home with their son so that Joseph could take a much needed break. 
• Cheryl is a special education teacher who works with Downs and Autistic students
• Jorge is a firefighter from San Francisco.
• Gary is a psychiatric nurse from the UK.
• Gwen is 72 years old, a retired teacher who had completed a one year program with the Rhodes Scholars and had taught in Kyrgyzstan.  Carried two buckets of water 
• Pi-Yun is 72 and moved to the US from Taiwan is 1972.  Low talking criticism of fellow travelers.  Got up early to walk before others woke up.  Bad attitude.  Face like a sphincter 
• Erica traveled throughout SE Asia and got an elephant tattoo on both arms to commemorate her journey.  She has been divorced for 14 years.  Gay?  Really cool  
• Donna is a teacher who traveled throughout SE Asia.  Gay?  Paid for own marriage
• Russ and Cindy are expats who live in La Paz, Mexico.  They are both retired and have lived in Kansas City and Austin.  Cindy was a training specialist from Apple and Russ is a retired real estate lawyer.
• Maria is an Asian woman from the Bay Area.  She is an engineer with a 22 year old son and was originally from Taiwan.
• Seth and Paige.  Seth had been a competitive fencer who had been to the Worlds and the Olympics and is currently a coach for the sport.  Paige had been a principal.  Seth is a Lieutenant  Colonel in the Air Force and the couple makes their living by renting Air BnB’s together in Denver.  
• ChiHero is Japanese and a nurse.  She is always in a good mood and is always laughing.  Pi-Yun accused her of faking it.  
• Savannah lives in Portland and is a cake decorator with Meier.  She spent the down time listening to music and drawing in her artists’ notebook.  
• On their first night out, Paige was only able to get three hours of sleep.  Clearly she was exhausted and she nestled up next to Seth and they napped together throughout the day.  It was nice to see a couple, both of whom were obviously strong people, let their guard down and rely on each other to get through the ordeal.
• Seth and Paige thought that I was stupid for signing up on a camping trip when I had never done any camping.  I explained to them about the 4th Kentucky and sleeping on the ground campaign style.  If I could take that then I could do tent camping

3. Even though we have a bathroom onboard, there will be no pooping or peeing on the bus. Human

waste changes the chemical compound in the port-a-potty so it is better if we don’t use it. Besides, if the port-a-potty becomes full then we have to find a place to drain it and that is sometimes not possible in the backwoods of Canada.

4. Rate your need to pee from one to ten. A “one” is when you have just peed and your bladder is empty. A “ten” is when you have just peed in your pants. Tell Amber or Lyle when your pee rating is a seven so that they can find a place to pull over. A “seven” means that you have at least fifteen minutes before you have to empty your bladder. You don’t go from a seven to a ten in fifteen minutes so don’t expect for the bus to immediately pull over when you announce that you are a “seven.”

5. Pitch in whenever you can, whenever you see the need. For example, do the dishes or load the bus or fetch the water

6. Be flexible and open to new experiences.

7. No shoes on in the pit. If the mattresses get dirty or wet then they will remain dirty or wet for the

whole trip and nobody wants that.

Why did I take the Green Tortoise Tour?

1. There are new are different problems. Instead of thinking about my sister and my niece dying, I

can concentrate on setting up camp or going for a long hike.

2. New people who were different from me. The teachers at Sacred Heart, the people at 1400

Willow, and the members at Milestone have a tendency to be tight assed. I want to interact with a

different type of person

3. I am low maintenance so I don’t care what I eat, where I sleep, or what we do. I took it one day at

a time and was determined not to plan ahead. It is just another example of mind over matter; using

self-discipline and patience, I should be able to endure the trip with no problems/

4. Half of the fun is to figure out the puzzle, to put all of the pieces together. How does the bus

work, what are the names and occupations of the people and how will they get along with each

other.

5. I wanted to slow down and enjoy the experience. I just took a train from Phoenix to San Antonio,

for example, but didn’t feel like I had done either city justice. A bus trip would force me to spend

more time in each place and make me appreciate the places where we had passed through.

6. Now I have something to write about.

Welcome Surprises

1. I slept well at night, wedging myself into a compartment above the pit and the seats. There was no

room to maneuver, so I had to sleep perfectly still, but I was warm and safe and dry. Also, I carried an old iPod with me and listened to recorded episodes of NPR. The constant drone of voices blocked out the chit-chatting from the other passengers.

2. Everyone was nervous at first and were on his and her best behavior. The last thing that you wanted to do was to offend someone on the fourth day and they give you the stink eye for the rest of the trip.

3. It was a really nice coach bus. After looking at the pictures on Facebook, I was expecting an old and worn out bus.

4. About half of the passengers were from foreign countries and that made conversation really interesting.

5. My first impression of the interior of the bus was that of the pit, which was a big and open area at the back. It was like one big couch where everyone could recline and relax.

6. I packed really well; not too much and I didn’t forget anything.

The People

1. This trip seemed to bring the couples closer together because they share the hardships. I noticed

that Russ brought Cindy her breakfast. Paige and Seth played together by pretending to fence. Elan and Murielle were always asking each other if they needed anything or wanted any help. It was nice to see the married people getting along so well.

2. Lyle and Amber run the show. Lyle had been traveling with The Tortoise since he was six, or for fifty years. Amber was hired on as a guide when she was 20.

3. Scotty G had a Louis Vuitton bag, which one would never expect on a bus tour, and wild hair. He is a hair dresser for a living; divorced with three girls from his marriage.

4. Eileen is an art teacher, divorced, and very outgoing. She had to stay in close proximity to a phone because her mother is very sick.

5. Brian is from Minnesota. He was Jeff’s roommate in college.

6. Ralph and Diane are married. He is a physician’s assistant

7. Elan is from Columbia and Murielle is from Argentina. They have been married for ten years.

Elan is a web designer and Murielle is a criminal court reporter. .

8. Jeff is a municipal engineer from Los Angeles.

9. Jan is from Germany and is an environmental engineer.

10. Peter is from Budapest, Hungary

11. Vanessa and Tracey are from England. I assume that they are sisters. You have to give up all of

your vanities on a trip like this and Tracey took off her wig when she went to bathe in a river. I didn’t know her well enough to ask what happened but she had a scar that went around the circumference of the back of her head and I guessed that she had brain surgery.

12. Joseph is Asian and has an autistic son. His wife stayed home with their son so that Joseph could take a much needed break.

13. Cheryl is a special education teacher who works with Downs and Autistic students

14. Jorge is a firefighter from San Francisco.

15. Gary is a psychiatric nurse from the UK.

16. Gwen is 72 years old, a retired teacher who had completed a one year program with the Rhodes

Scholars and had taught in Kyrgyzstan.

17. Pi-Yun is 72 and moved to the US from Taiwan is 1972.

18. Erica traveled throughout SE Asia and got an elephant tattoo on both arms to commemorate her

journey. She has been divorced for 14 years.

19. Donna is a teacher who traveled throughout SE Asia

20. Russ and Cindy are expats who live in La Paz, Mexico. They are both retired and have lived in

Kansas City and Austin. Cindy was a training specialist from Apple and Russ is a retired real

estate lawyer.

21. Maria is an Asian woman from the Bay Area. She is an engineer with a 22 year old son and was

originally from Taiwan.

22. Seth and Paige. Seth had been a competitive fencer who had been to the Worlds and the Olympics

and is currently a coach for the sport. Paige had been a principal. Seth is a Lieutenant Colonel in

the Air Force and the couple makes their living by renting Air BnB’s together in Denver.

23. ChiHero is Japanese and a nurse. She is always in a good mood and is always laughing

24. Savannah lives in Portland and is a cake decorator with Meier. She spent the down time listening

to music and drawing in her artists’ notebook.

25. On their first night out, Paige was only able to get three hours of sleep. Clearly she was exhausted

and she nestled up next to Seth and they napped together throughout the day. It was nice to see a couple, both of whom were obviously strong people, let their guard down and rely on each other to get through the ordeal.

. Chapter 6 Section 1: Hostel for “The Turtle Tour”
• Start with San Francisco.  Stay at hostel.  Combine it with the hostel in Seattle
• Initial meeting on the street in San Francisco. 
• Include Banff.  The one good day 

Chapter 6 Section 2: Quotes for “The Turtle Tour”
• You had to like Scotty G if for no other reason than he was completely honest.  For example, when we all first met each other outside of the TransAmerica building in San Francisco, he said, “We are all trying to to size each other up.”
• Scotty G named his dog “Sober” because “you put all of your shit on your dog.”
• Scotty G said, without provocation, that “I am not an onion.  I am an artichoke!  When you peel off my layers you will find a heart!”  I thought to myself that I will use that line for the rest of my life.
• Scotty G would suddenly check out and meditate.  It was his way of checking out and escaping from the mundanities of the life on the bus.
• I bought a bottle of Jim Beam, mostly to use as a prop, because the Kentucky boy should always have a bottle of bourbon.  Next store to the liquor store was a cannabis shop and I asked for a low grade sample of marijuana because I didn’t want to get sick.  When Scotty G saw my bottle of Jim bean on the counter while I was asking for weak weed, he said “that is like trying to kill yourself but not wanting to use an AK-47 to do it.”
• Savannah said that her mother allowed her to go on the Green Tortoise Tour because, “As long as I don’t sell my body or take drugs, I can do whatever I want!”
• Jeff F said, “Gary, I don’t know anything about you.  Tell me about yourself.”  To which Gary answered, “Well, the first thing that you should know about me is that I am very handsome.”
• Erica said that I have cadaver feet because they are white while the rest of my leg are tan.
• Russ said “Does there come a time on this trip when people don’t talk so much?  My ears are getting tired.”
• When asked why he became a firefighter, Jorge’s pat answer is “because I was a boy with a penis.”  That meant that all red blooded American boys dream of becoming a fireman some day.
• Lyle said that “One of my most important jobs is rumor control.”  I didn’t hear any rumors and then it hit me that the rumors were probably about me.  I hoped that the rumors were about me hooking up with 19 year old Savannah but more likely they were about the blood clot in my left leg.
• Eileen threw up twice, once in the bus and another time in the common eating area.  There are procedures for this sort of thing that were ignored by The Tortoise.  In fact, I had pointed out that Eileen was sick to Amber to let her know that a member of the group was puking.  Later on, Amber said that “if you see a problem, don’t point it out to me.  Do what you can to solve the problem without me.”  My thought was that with a lot of people walking through the puke were getting germs all over their shoes and that is a good way to get a bus load of people sick.  
• Donna had been on “The Tortoise” before and said that this was the most laid back group ever.  Because it cost so much, the people are a lot older than a typical Tortoise tour.
• I said, “I think that The Tortoise brings couples together because they have to share the hardships of the trip.”  Donna replied, “I”ve never seen married couple together who are happy.  It is nice to see that it can happen.”  There was some nervous laughter at this outward sign of honesty.  “I am serious!,” replied Donna, who wanted to relieve the uncomfortable moment.
• As I was telling the story of taking a shower in what was basically a horse stall in the middle of a barn, the only thing that was securing my privacy was a thin shower curtain.  It wasn’t secure and, as I told the others on the tour, “one good breeze and the shower curtain would be whooshed away and the surprise would be over” in terms of my private parts.

Chapter 6 Section 3: The Mistake that was “The Turtle Tour”
• I was most concerned with sharing a month long trip with a bunch of strangers
• I was worried about sleeping outside, in a tent, and fighting off the mosquitoes.  I can handle a lot of thing but sleep deprivation is not one of them.
• I was worried about the length of the trip.  I had signed on for a month but just made it past one week.  
• I recognized that I am my own worst enemy on a trip like this.  Still, I felt like I had to do it while I was still young enough and strong enough to endure a rough trip.
• I thought that it was going to be a bunch of frat boys but, as it turned out, the people on the trip were pretty great.
• My thought was that the best thing that I could do was to just throw myself into the experience.  If worst came to worst then I could bail out at Juneau or someplace else.
• I have done the luxury cruise ships and wanted to try something different.
• There was no promise of a shower and, if a shower was available, there was no promise of hot water.  I thought that it wouldn’t be a problem for me to go for days without a shower and, because I am not a picky eater, I could eat whatever was served by the camp fire for breakfast and dinner.
• There were no mirrors.  I have bad skin and didn’t know if I had any whiteheads so I was a little self conscious when I talked to people.
• There was almost no personal space.  I had to get used to being around a lot of people, who apparently did not have to go through a background check, all day long.  People napped next to each other throughout the day in the pit
• No one there was going to miss me.  I lifted right out.  

Chapter 6 Section 4: Rules for “The Turtle Tour”
• No homesteading.  You cannot call your place and expect to live there for four weeks
• Respect the “Tortoise Orbit.”  There is storage space above the seats in the compartments but, since people like to sleep up there, the backpacks and other luggage may be moved without notice.  It is a reminder that there is no personal space and that your stuff maybe moved without your consent or notification.  Cheryl didn’t like it when I moved her stuff.
• Even though we have a bathroom onboard, there will be no pooping or peeing on the bus.  Human waste changes the chemical compound in the port-a-potty so it is better if we don’t use it.  Besides, if the port-a-potty becomes full then we have to find a place to drain it and that is sometimes not possible in the backwoods of Canada.
• Rate your need to pee from one to ten.  A “one” is when you have just peed and your bladder is empty.  A “ten” is when you have just peed in your pants.  Tell Amber or Lyle when your pee rating is a seven so that they can find a place to pull over.  A “seven” means that you have at least fifteen minutes before you have to empty your bladder.  You don’t go from a seven to a ten in fifteen minutes so don’t expect for the bus to immediately pull over when you announce that you are a “seven.”  Muriel suffered
• Pitch in whenever you can, whenever you see the need.  For example, do the dishes or load the bus or fetch the water
• Be flexible and open to new experiences.
• No shoes on in the pit.  If the mattresses get dirty or wet then they will remain dirty or wet for the whole trip and nobody wants that.

Chapter 6 Section 5: Why did I take a take “The Turtle Tour”
• There are new are different problems.  Instead of thinking about my sister and my niece dying, I can concentrate on setting up camp or going for a long hike.
• New people who were different from me.  The teachers at Sacred Heart, the people at 1400 Willow, and the members at Milestone have a tendency to be tight assed.  I want to interact with a different type of person
• I am low maintenance so I don’t care what I eat, where I sleep, or what we do.  I took it one day at a time and was determined not to plan ahead.  It is just another example of mind over matter; using self-discipline and patience, I should be able to endure the trip with no problems/
• Half of the fun is to figure out the puzzle, to put all of the pieces together.  How does the bus work, what are the names and occupations of the people and how will they get along with each other.
• I wanted to slow down and enjoy the experience.  I just took a train from Phoenix to San Antonio, for example, but didn’t feel like I had done either city justice.  A bus trip would force me to spend more time in each place and make me appreciate the places where we had passed through.  
• Now I have something to write about. This will be my fifth book
• Missed opportunities.

Chapter 6 Section 6: Welcome Surprises for “The Turtle Tour”
• I slept well at night, wedging myself into a compartment above the pit and the seats.  There was no room to maneuver, so I had to sleep perfectly still, but I was warm and safe and dry.  Also, I carried an old iPod with me and listened to recorded episodes of NPR.  The constant drone of voices blocked out the chit-chatting from the other passengers.
• Everyone was nervous at first and were on his and her best behavior.  The last thing that you wanted to do was to offend someone on the fourth day and they give you the stink eye for the rest of the trip.
• It was a really nice coach bus.  After looking at the pictures on Facebook, I was expecting an old and worn out bus.
• About half of the passengers were from foreign countries and that made conversation really interesting.
• My first impression of the interior of the bus was that of the pit, which was a big and open area at the back.  It was like one big couch where everyone could recline and relax.
• I packed really well; not too much and I didn’t forget anything.

Chapter 6 Section 7: Cast for “The Turtle Tour”
• This trip seemed to bring the couples closer together because they share the hardships.  I noticed that Russ brought Cindy her breakfast.  Paige and Seth played together by pretending to fence.  
• Elan and Murielle were always asking each other if they needed anything or wanted any help.  It was nice to see the married people getting along so well.  Brought along their own special food
• Lyle and Amber run the show.  Lyle had been traveling with The Tortoise since he was six, or for fifty years.  Amber was hired on as a guide when she was 20. 
• Scotty G had a Louis Vuitton bag, which one would never expect on a bus tour, and wild hair.  He is a hair dresser for a living; divorced with three girls from his marriage.
• Eileen is an art teacher, divorced, and very outgoing.  She had to stay in close proximity to a phone because her mother is very sick.  Threw up in middle of pavilion after smoking marijuana.  
• Brian is from Minnesota.  He was Jeff’s roommate in college.
• Ralph and Diane are married.  He is a physician’s assistant
• Elan is from Columbia and Murielle is from Argentina.  They have been married for ten years.  Elan is a web designer and Murielle is a criminal court reporter.
• Jeff is a municipal engineer from Los Angeles.  
• Jan is from Germany and is an environmental engineer.  Got to see a bear from chairlift. 
• Peter is from Budapest, Hungary
• Vanessa and Tracey are from England.  I assume that they are sisters.  You have to give up all of your vanities on a trip like this and Tracey took off her wig when she went to bathe in a river.  I didn’t know her well enough to ask what happened but she had a scar that went around the circumference of the back of her head and I guessed that she had brain surgery. 
• Joseph is Asian and has an autistic son.  His wife stayed home with their son so that Joseph could take a much needed break. 
• Cheryl is a special education teacher who works with Downs and Autistic students
• Jorge is a firefighter from San Francisco.
• Gary is a psychiatric nurse from the UK.
• Gwen is 72 years old, a retired teacher who had completed a one year program with the Rhodes Scholars and had taught in Kyrgyzstan.  Carried two buckets of water 
• Pi-Yun is 72 and moved to the US from Taiwan is 1972.  Low talking criticism of fellow travelers.  Got up early to walk before others woke up.  Bad attitude.  Face like a sphincter 
• Erica traveled throughout SE Asia and got an elephant tattoo on both arms to commemorate her journey.  She has been divorced for 14 years.  Gay?  Really cool  
• Donna is a teacher who traveled throughout SE Asia.  Gay?  Paid for own marriage
• Russ and Cindy are expats who live in La Paz, Mexico.  They are both retired and have lived in Kansas City and Austin.  Cindy was a training specialist from Apple and Russ is a retired real estate lawyer.
• Maria is an Asian woman from the Bay Area.  She is an engineer with a 22 year old son and was originally from Taiwan.
• Seth and Paige.  Seth had been a competitive fencer who had been to the Worlds and the Olympics and is currently a coach for the sport.  Paige had been a principal.  Seth is a Lieutenant  Colonel in the Air Force and the couple makes their living by renting Air BnB’s together in Denver.  
• ChiHero is Japanese and a nurse.  She is always in a good mood and is always laughing.  Pi-Yun accused her of faking it.  
• Savannah lives in Portland and is a cake decorator with Meier.  She spent the down time listening to music and drawing in her artists’ notebook.  
• On their first night out, Paige was only able to get three hours of sleep.  Clearly she was exhausted and she nestled up next to Seth and they napped together throughout the day.  It was nice to see a couple, both of whom were obviously strong people, let their guard down and rely on each other to get through the ordeal.
• Seth and Paige thought that I was stupid for signing up on a camping trip when I had never done any camping.  I explained to them about the 4th Kentucky and sleeping on the ground campaign style.  If I could take that then I could do tent camping